I'm anon because I'm ashamed of how I am. Don't think that I like being punched and beat up because that's not the case. I like when my boyfriend verbally abuses me, I like when he calls me a slut, and a whore (even though I'm not) and a bitch, worthless etc....especially during sex. I also like when he chokes me and spits on me and slaps me during sex. Even outside of the bedroom if we get into an argument he calls me names and slaps me pretty hard and spits on me and I just get turned on, yes I do cry but I'm also horny at the same time?? It's so weird I don't even know how this started or where it came from. I'm ashamed of it and I don't want any hate from it 😔. It's not like "you just like kinky sex" because I like it outside of the bedroom too. I don't like to be beat up, my man would never beat me up or do anything that causes a lot of pain. I've been in a abusive relationship before where my ex boyfriend punched me and beat me down on the ground and I left him. I'm 19 and I live with my parents so I can't really go to therapy or anything like that because I don't want to tell my parents, and also I don't really want to go or feel like I need to. Does anyone know why I'm like this?  P.S I don't think I have/had any problems or traumatic experiences in my life or with my family to make me like this. I was never sexually abused or anything like that. Me and my dad aren't really close...he lives with me but we just don't talk to each other much and he has anger problems which scares me at times.