Need to vent.

So I'm a fuck up. I fuck up anything good I have going for me in life. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We took a break for a few months because shit got bad. He told me he no longer loved me because I had lied to him about stupid shit. When we were on a break, he begged for me to come back. I felt like it was all an act, just to make me feel bad. Less than 2 weeks after we broke up or whatever, he had a new girlfriend. So I started hanging out with people. I slept with one of the guys. But I hung out with 5 guys. Not all at once. But whatever. I didn't sleep with any one other than him. We got back together, and I lied to him about one of the guys I hung out with. Just didn't tell him. So he thinks I've slept with all of them. He doesn't trust me anymore, and I can't really blame him. I was a slut in high school and would sleep with anyone that told me they loved me. So I see why he thinks I slept with all of them. I'm laying here crying because we have a beautiful baby boy. He got me pregnant when we got back together, because we wanted a family. We were so sure everything would work. But should of known, I would find a way to fuck everything up. Pretty sure he's gonna end up leaving me and I'll have my baby to raise on my own. I don't know why I do stupid shit to ruin anything I have going for me. I want to just end my life and let him have our baby. I'm gonna fuck up being his mother. I ruin everything I have, so I know he's no exception.. I ruin anyone I have anything to do with. I've ruined my own life. I'm ruining my boyfriends life and mental health. I can't escape my own demons and it's getting to be too much. I just needed to vent and get it off my chest. I'm dying inside and I can't hide it anymore. What do you do when you've ruined the only person who has ever genuinely gave a shit about you? When that person has finally had enough and is leaving just like everyone else...