Dont know what to do...

So my whole life I've suffered from depression and the last 10+ yrs I've had anxiety added on. My depression came from growing up and my self esteem. Even tried suicide 3 times in my teens.

I've always been an overweight girl even in school when kids called me names. Now I'm 34 and I still have self esteem issues. I'm also a virgin and not ashamed of it. I want it to be with someone that I trust and is worthy of it. I haven't had a bf in many years, I have no kids, never married. I thought that I was okay being single and being OK with my weight. I know society and media play a big role with how women should look.

Last night, my dads birthday no less, I came home from work, had dinner with the FAM and I just didnt want to be there. My dad had made a comment about being the only one in the family without grandkids and even though it was meant to be funny, I felt sad and lonely. I took a shower and cried in it for 30 minutes.

I feel like I'm not worthy of being loved and nobody is ever going to love me because I'm not skinny or pretty or perfect. I feel like when people look at me they get disgusted and don't want to be seen with me. It hit me so hard last night, all those thoughts, I didnt know if I could stop crying.

I am on medication and it works most of the time but last night was difficult for me. Thank god for the few friends I have that actually try and bring my spirits up. I also go to the gym for myself to make myself feel good. (There's tons of hot guys there too) which makes me self conscience.

I just wish that I didnt feel this way and that I could find someone who loves me for me. Ya know?? If this is gods plan, for me to be alone my whole life, I'm not happy with it. I do want a family and to get married but the way I look, to me, I feel that may not be in the cards for me. 😭😔

anyone ever felt like this before or have any advice??