Sorry, Peaches

You're the only person I've ever loved romantically. Sure, I've had crushes before and after, but loving someone is a different matter entirely. And I loved you. And god it fucking hurts because you loved me so god damn much and you supported me and I was bitch enough that when you needed my help I just fucking quit on you. On us. And I didn't even tell you fucking why! 

The week we broke up was one of the hardest in my life. I came within a breath of being kicked out. And knowing what I know now, if I was kicked out then, I'd have to go live with my dad. Even then, I knew it was such an unstable enviroment I would never be truly at ease. And this year has proved that. He's started working as a trucker, so he's only home ever other weekend. And as you probably don't know, since I never trust anyone, he only cares about himself and would have left me home alone for that entire time. Not to mention he was homeless for two months. And that he's still living with his friends. And that if he had trouble affording his meds, which he's done several times over this year, he could become abusive again. 

That week, I fought with my mom for three days. Except it was more she yelled at me for three days straight. Do you know what it's like to have to live with the knowledge that your mother loves her reputation more than you and your brother, and always will no matter what you do to try and win her over? I do, after that week. And I promised I'd try to be a better kid. And I have tried. I really have. And I'm still a disgusting, shitty person and a complete failure and displeasure to have as a daughter--just better at hiding it. You knew my mom was homophobic and never approved of you, but I never told you how much. I didn't want you to feel bad because of it. But she HATED you. And she started hating me because of it. She still thinks it's something that she can ignore or that is going to go away. I told her we broke up a while ago. I lied. I just--I was at such a low point in my life and I wish I could say I was trying to save you from that but I'd be lying. I just couldn't handle us anymore. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better. And now you have it. And now I still haven't found that. I don't have anyone I can just go to. I'm not anyone's favorite and I probably never will be. I'm not even out to the two people I talk to the most, and being gay is such a big part of my personality because I refuse to let it be shut down. I know being a lesbian is nothing to be ashamed of. And I refuse to let it be. But one I'm scared of her reaction, even though it will probably be fine, and the other I've been told by my mom not to tell, because he's too close to my brother. If I asked him to keep it secret, he would. Honestly, i have no clue why my brother knowing I'm gay would even be a problem, but I'd rather stay closeted to him than be kicked out. 

I don't know where this is going. I'm at a super low point and I have no one to turn to. Not like I had you. And you deserved the truth. Still do. 

I'm sorry. And I'm glad you're found better. I only with I could do the same.