I learned today that my AFP, or alpha fetoproteins, was high when they tested in my first trimester. They said don't panic yet, that they could go down. I go back to retest in 2 weeks. But having them high indicates a increased chance of defects, neural tube defects or whatever. They didn't tell me my amount. But the neural tube defects mean my baby could have spina bifida or even anancaphaly, which is where the brain can stop growing, or miss huge pieces. It's not compatible with life. 98% of babies with anencaphaly will not make it to delivery. It will be a still birth. Most people want to abort at that point. And I just can't stop thinking... what if it's my fault? I forgot to take my prenatal folic acid sometimes. Which helps to decrease risk of developing wrong. Sometimes I wouldn't remember for two days. I love my baby and I wanted it and I tried for it and forgetting wasn't on purpose. I forget to take all my meds I forget so much. But what if I'm the reason the baby is messed up...? What if I caused all this?