No Proposal-

Warning:

I'm just venting so I can work without balling at my desk. I need some sort of outlet and honestly while I love this site for all its opinions and different view point i am asking - Not today with the judgement and criticisms. :(

So - I actually broke up with my boyfriend on Sat morning but almost let him pull me back in - so I really clipped that string this morning. Its hard because I love him like no other, BUT marriage has always been so important to me. And we've just had too many issues with him cheating and flirting etc. This last round he promised he wouldn't hurt me like that and that he wanted the future we'd been planning together etc. So we had a nice stretch with no obvious issues. He was up for promotion in another state and it came down to me up rooting my life, my child and selling the home I loved and quitting my job to go be with him. And I said I would because I love him and I wanted to be together- be a family. Then it dawned on me- yes I feel that way but if he felt the same why would he not have proposed by now? I started feeling like this proposal was kind of a carrot he liked to dangle in front of my face to keep me on board or on his course. I've been feeling like if he loved me in the way I do him, that he would want me to be his wife? The marriage conversation starteda while ago and if I mentioned it his answer was like " well if I ask you now that you said something it wont be natural" so it was like a clock that restarted where i better not ask and I just have to wait. Well I think ive waited as long as I could without wondering if he just didnt want to.

Heres the kicker. I then recently caught him flirting online with someone in the new state!!! Like as soon as he knew he was going somewhere else he went on the hunt. So that was really the nail in the coffin for me. He didn't see her or anything but just setting the stage is enough. But honestly i didn't even break up with him over that. It was more because while I've been mute and sitting around hoping he'd propose- he was focusing on other women. I feel like the time and attention he spend cultivating online flings should have been geared toward us and our relationship. He said he was just talking- its just entertainment for him and hes so sorry. But then I had to ask him what kind of a person- of a man- finds his joy and entertainment from manipulating women into thinking he likes them just to drop them when the conversation isn't shiny and new anymore and the nude pics are all looking the same? That's a bad person! I just felt like "GOD am I ever going to be enough for this man!!!" While I know "self- esteem" is self generated- this shit hurt and made me feel like shit! We've lived together since 2014 and suddenly I want to cover up in front of him because I've never felt so unattractive or undesired before? It made be question like what am i not doing that you hunt for women online? And back to the point- i felt like I've left him alone about the marriage thing because i thought he was preparing himself-and i wanted to let him do it his way- he used to say he just wanted to do it a certain way - etc - so i thought he was putting something in motion for me. But he wasn't. I just feel like my chest is caved in right now. I've never seen him cry and suddenly i tell him I'm done and he's crying next to me telling me how he knows he fucked up and not to do this! It broke my heart more!!! Now hes so sorry and etc and says " I want you to be my wife" and "I know what I need to do". But honestly that just puts me back on the waiting game where I better not ask or the clock resets. I'm just done waiting and hoping. I feel like he knew the consequences of the cheating and the marriage thing and he gambled me.

Anyway. My rant is over. I have sam smith "not in that way" on repeat and a family size box of Twinkies. Im just really hurting over here. :(