Married but an old love...

LONG- not really looking for advice or JUDGEMENT, maybe more of just venting or anyone who knows the similarities (had the same experience.)

I'm happily married for just a little over one year now. I've been with my husband with 4 years. No break ups or anything in this time. We have two beautiful daughters, have a house, I stay home, everything is how I always pictured my life to be. I am so so happy in my relationship.

Before I met my husband, I was in an on and off relationship for 4 years with the first love of my life. Mind you, I'm fairly young. I'm 22 now, and I met my husband at 18. The guy I was with before then, I dated all through high school. We always broke up and got back together because that's just how high school relationships go, right?

Anyways- let's just call my husband T and my high school before C.

Right before I met T, I was still hanging out with C and his family all the time. We were kind of together just without the title of being officially together. I met my husband, he was sprung over me the moment we met. Not to sound self absorbed but it's true. My husband was looking for s long term girlfriend when we met through mutual friends. I was just hanging out with him so my best friend would stop bothering me about this guy. Anyways- fast forward a little, and my husband and I begin dating. For the first month or so my husband couldn't get it up during sex... for a whole month or so. It was horrible for me because I thought it was my fault, maybe he was in love with someone else. He didn't find me attractive. A number of things. So I didn't think my husband and I would last. I definitely thought our relationship would be over within the first two months.

After about a month of my husband and I dating, he started smothering me. I worked full time and he went to school and played baseball full time. All of his time, before and after school was spent at my house. He would finish with baseball or school and come straight to my house and wait for me even while I was at work or if I wasn't going to be home the whole time he was there. (I worked graveyard hours) and I just started feeling overwhelmed in our relationship and smothered. So one night while my husband was at his own house, we got in an argument about him coming over too much and smothering me. He got upset and mad and I was just annoyed and mad. So I messaged my old boyfriend C and asked to hang out. (I was convinced T was going to break up with me or I was going to break up with him in the next day or so)

So I went and hung out with C. We caught up, talked about life and one thing led to another... we had sex. I hadn't had sex in a couple of months since T was having trouble getting it up for me and it felt nice to feel appreciated sexually....

I never told my husband, kind of buried the hatchet after I was with my ex boyfriend, and blocked him out of my life.

Fast forward to now times, C, found my Instagram and snapchat, added me on both. And I just figured whatever. It's been four years. We've all moved on. He messages me, ask how I'm doing, my daughters, how life has been, how my life is. Etc....

But while we're messaging, I feel shady to my husband, I'm deleting every message and hiding my phone. C has always had this thing over me... I mean I was convinced I would always be in love with C and in one way or another, we would end up together. And talking to him, made me feel that way again. It was like rekindling an old love. There was an old spark there. I started feeling guilty, told him I couldn't talk to him because I don't want to feel any way towards him and that I was happy in my life and relationship and to just go away. But since then, I'm just thinking about him all the time. ALL THE TIME. I can't tell if this will pass or if there is some lingering feelings or what, but I'm trying to just forget and move on with my life again....

okay, vent over. If you made it through, thanks. I just needed to put all of this down somewhere and get it off of my chest.