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I always struggled with religion as a child. Sometimes I truly believed God was real, but other times everything I learned at my church felt so artificial. I guess you could say I'd been struggling with Christianity my whole life. The older I got, the more I teetered toward atheism. I never spoke to my parents about it, didn't want them to worry. My older sister has already told my mother she's an agnostic. My mother hasn't taken the news very well. She cries. She wakes up at 2AM and tells me she's worried about my sister. It's a subject that weighs heavily on her mind. My dad doesn't know about her agnosticism, if he did our situation would be worse.

I've been an atheist for a few years now. My parents don't know, I'm not going to tell either of them anytime soon. Maybe someday, not now. I guess for now I just want to find a way to be myself in a world where I can't. I can't watch movies/television shows I like, talk about politics, make certain jokes/express my sense of humor, express many opinions, I have to hide my sexuality and any/all sex related articles... I can't be myself. If I ever behaved the way I wish I could, I would be reprimanded and/or rejected.

Any sane person would move away. I can't. I don't make enough money and I'm too anxious to get a better job/go to school. I feel kind of trapped. Even if I could move away, I wouldn't want to abandon my parents. I love them and I want to keep them in my life. Just not sure they'd feel the same way if they knew who I really am.