My son, Tristan, was killed on August 31, 2016 while we were out for a walk and crossing a wide, clearly marked and lighted crosswalk in an extremely visible intersection. It was the morning of the 3rd day of school and I had just dropped off my older son after walking him to school. My 5 1/2 month old son was in his stroller. 

     We had the crosswalk light and were past half way in the intersection. The driver came from behind, passed 4 lanes of roadway and then the median before making his left turn right into us. He never slowed. He never swerved. 

     After his lawyer reviewed all the witness statements, and 10 months later, the driver says it's all because he didn't see us. His friends have deleted FB commentary stating otherwise. It's like he saw us and tried to beat us through the intersection. That truth is harder to stomach than any other excuse. 

     My son was ejected from his stroller. The stroller was ripped in two. I couldn't get to my son because I was injured as well. I saw his little body lying there, so still. My mind wouldn't let me believe then what I should have known immediately. 

     This man is a neighbor. He's lived there for over 8 years. He knows how pedestrian heavy our area is. I have to see him outside of his house frequently. He looks at us with a blank expression, no remorse or sorrow. His only concern is avoiding jail. He has never apologized. He had a lawyer on the scene before the police arrived. The trial isn't until October. Because of the way the neighborhood roads are, I have to stop at the stop sign at his house, then go through the intersection where my son was killed and I was hit, every single day. There is no way around it. I relive it all every day. I still can feel when the stroller was ripped out of my hands and I was thrown. 

     We waited for our baby for 5 years. My older son begged me multiple times a day for a baby  brother. Now, everything is broken. There is literally not a single area of my life that hasn't been darkened by pain and loss because of this man's actions. My baby was so broken that I never got to hold him again. The empty arms of longing are maddening. 

     To say it's been stressful is a vast understatement. We're older, so we've also started trying again, and even that is difficult now. But it's been 7 months of BFN and more heartbreak and loss on top of every day of what is already Hell. 

   One year of it all is approaching, though it feels like less than a week ago. I just....I don't know what to do.

EDIT: We found out the day after the 1-year marker of Tristan's death that the most serious charge that was levied, involuntary manslaughter, will be dropped.

Now, this (insert expletive here) only faces a reckless driving and a failure to yield charge.... $2500 fine and up to a year in local jail. That's it. And because of the law where we live, he'd only be subjected to 6-months to serve if good behavior.

He killed my baby...in a crosswalk!...and as long as he doesn't admit to seeing us, he gets away with it.

EDIT: We got our BFP 9/10/17. For the first time in over a year, I felt happiness and hope. ❤

I probably should have known better.

My HCG levels plummeted as it turned into an early miscarriage.

I really, really, really, really, really just wanted something good.