Depression while pregnant

Lately, I've been struggling with holding on. I try to get myself up and do things, like hang out with friends or run errands. I've just been feeling really alone lately, even with so much going on. I feel overwhelmed and sad. That dark hole is taking me down and I'm fighting it with as much energy as I have. It takes everything in me to just go to the bathroom, let alone eat something. My SO works a lot and has been picking up side jobs as well so I sit at home alone with my thoughts a lot.

I know I need to talk to my doctor... but I don't want medication. Any attempt with meds has failed and I don't like who I am on them. I've beaten this my whole life, this is nothing new. I just figured with such a joyous occassion (5 months pregnant) I would have an easier time controlling it. Some days I just dont want to get out of bed or do housework. I imagine I will have PPD after my son is here.

I'm a FTM by the way. Has any other mamas dealt with depression while pregnant? What helped (other than medication)? And did you suffer from PPD after?

Thanks for letting me vent a little. I feel bad for feeling this way when I know so many women would be overrun with joy in my shoes.

Mental illness doesn't take a vacation, no matter the occassion.