When is it appropriate to discuss death with a child?

Question

Not really a rant, just not sure where else to put this topic. My husband and I agree on most everything, but this one thing we argue over. My mother in law recently had a cat pass away and now my daughter, she's almost 4, has been looking for the cat and wondering where she is. Now, I want to explain death to her, my husband wants her to stay innocent about it. My problem with that is what if something happens to me? What if I get hit by a bus tomorrow? Is he just going to tell her I went to heaven? It's been a long time since I've been my daughter's age, but I just know my 4 year old self would be wondering why mommy didn't take me with her to heaven or why I couldn't visit. I feel like that would be psychologically damaging to a young child. I'm just so confused about this.

Answer

(Long post) Ive always been very open with my daughter about nearly every topic (child friendly versions of most of it) but at the age of 4 our grandma (her great grandma) became unwell with cancer and she was very close to her, we were there for her last 4 months nearly every day, my daughter asked what was going to happen and I told her the truth, she had been there when she had falls, we stayed at night and had to help her to the toilet, she was there when we phoned for the ambulance, we visited in hospital, she visited in the nursing home. Her grandma was dying of cancer..... she saw her for the last time less than 24 hours before she died.... this might sound horrific for some and people won't agree with her exposure to this (hell some of my siblings didn't but we were very close with her and my siblings did a once a year visit) we said our goodbyes to her, yes my daughter was upset as was I, but I tell you what, she was brave, she sat at her bedside telling her that she will be missed but in heaven she wouldn't be in pain, it bought a tear to my eye. She was not allowed to her funeral which broke her heart, she knows about cremation and what was occurring that day (but my siblings got their way, she wasn't allowed, she has never forgiven them for denying her the final chance to say goodbye and I'm with her on that) 
My daughter has always been wise and very understanding, she knows I will not hide anything from her. She's 8 now and she thanks me for being honest and being able to be there for grandma. This has not had a negative affect on her, it's been extreme positive because she has been supportive to her friends when similar things have occurred, she is a kind young lady who is empathetic, sympathetic and sensitive to others feelings. I could not and will not hide the facts of life or death from her.
I understand that I may get a lot of stick for this post but everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, I have done what I feel is right, my daughter thanks me and appreciates my honesty and respects me for it and if I say that she's not old enough to know something she respects my decision..... 
Every child is different, you will know as a parent if they are ready to hear and understand about certain topics and whether they can handle the emotion surrounding it.... my child was ready, if she was not then I would have taken a different path.....

Answer

My mom did when i was a toddler. I've never had a family member or friend i was close to die but when i was a toddler my dog went in for surgery for cancer a couple times & my mom wanted to prepare me if anything happened but she beat it both times.

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I'd put this in CC it's a pretty interesting topic and I don't think anyone has ever asked this before.

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I'd tell her

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I think you should be completely honest with kids about death. Because let face it, we're all going to die one day. It's just a fact of life.
Idk what your beliefs are, but there are a lot of ways to explain death to kids. 
My stepson is 6 and we've talked about death since he was about 4 or 5. His pet fish died, we had a funeral and we sat down, talked about it, he cried. I cried. Then we moved on with our lives. My SO and I lost a really good friend of ours very recently. We didn't bring him to the funeral because we needed that time to heal without my stepson being present. But had it been a closer relative he absolutely would've been there with us. Seen the open casket funeral. His mom had explained to him why we didn't have him that weekend even though we were suppose to, when he finally came back over to our house he asked about our friend, we showed him pictures from when he was alive, we told him how he died(bad car accident and he wasn't wearing his seat belt, that was a whole conversation in itself about how you should wear your seatbelt), we went visit his grave site with my stepson. We cried and he was upset for us. He hugged me really tight and held his dads hand. 
And it's GOOD for kids to understand grief! They need to understand it because having emotions and understanding why you're having those emotions can actually be very healing.
There's nothing psychologically scarring about teaching a kid about death and that people die. It's normal and honestly people should come to terms with death and the fact that they'll die one day a lot sooner than we all do. 
Kids will always ask questions. That's what kids do. Your best interest is to teach them and answer those questions.

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Based on my personal experience, I think 3 is a 'good' age to start explaining it. They're able to comprehend what it means but they don't know how to cope with it. I would just explain it to her as best as you can & tell her that it's okay to cry & be upset. It's a part of life. We're born, we live & we die. My parents were always very straight forward with my sister & I. They didn't sugar coat anything. We can't shelter our children forever. Good luck!

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Omg! My boys(7,8) where with me when my family got to the hospital to check on my cousin. I thought it was a miner accident so I just brought them. Their reaction when the doctor came out and told us he was gone was priceless. How I regret that day. My boys were scared to go to the doctor, wouldn't step foot near a hospital. " I'm scared if I go in there I'm going to die", they would say. It's still a healing process though. Now they're 8 and 9

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When the child experiences loss. If a 7 year olds grandmother dies then that's the proper age. Children understand more than what people give them credit for

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my daughter is 6 & my grandpa just passed last month. he was in ICU until my family decided to take him off of the ventilator. at first I thought when he stopped breathing that she shouldn't be in the room. my dad asked me why because my mother died when I was 5 and said if you could've been there would you. without a doubt the answer was yes. my husband and father and myself all talked to her and tried to prepare her for what was going to happen. this was her first time experiencing death and she got to hold his hand and talk to him and tell him that she loved him one last time. death is a part of life. I talked to her and told her that death is not scary and he is now in heaven with Jesus and one day we would all meet again. she is only 6 & because I let her stay in the room and answered all of her questions she now understands death better than most kids twice her age. I think I made the best possible decision.

Answer

Thank you everyone for your input and for sharing your personal experiences with me. I think tomorrow might be a good time to sit down with my husband to discuss it.

When is it appropriate to discuss death with a child?

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