My Story - Medical Abortion at PP

i drove 45 minutes away to a planned parenthood where my appointment was scheduled.

outside of the building were about 10 women with signs - "we love you, love your baby!" "adoption not abortion". i kept driving and cried. these women make me sick. how dare they do this to poor women, when they have no idea what their struggling with? are these women going to pay for the hospital bills? maternity clothes? the next 18 years?? i was angry, but i kept driving and calmed myself down.

and hour later i arrived back at the PP, they were gone. i took this as a good sign.

i sat in my car and thought to myself - is this really what i want to do? is this the right choice for me? am i being too pressured? can i really handle a baby right now? all of the answers ultimately led me through those doors.

it was now 11:35 - i was 10 minutes early to being 15 minutes early. i was checked in and filling out all of the paperwork on their new ipads. there was a survey that asked how i liked the ipad at the end of the paperwork. i laughed to myself, why would i want to fill out a survey?

i was sitting in the waiting room with my ex-boyfriend, the father of my baby. it's practically empty, yet somehow so loud.

i heard a song in the background and i looked up to see Labyrinth playing. This is my favorite movie, and it's never on TV. this calmed me down some.

after about 10 minutes of waiting and listening to david bowie's soothing voice, a mother walks in with her precious baby. that's when i cracked again. i stared away from the baby, but the tears streamed down my cheeks. that could be me, i thought. a couple is sitting next to each other, laughing on their phone. the girl looks up at me - i wasn't laughing. she looked away quickly.

after a century, they finally called my name to go back. they wouldn't let my ex go back with me, so i went alone. they had me pee in a cup and then walked me back to a small dark room for a transvaginal ultrasound. they told me to undress from the waist down, and place a sheet over me and they would be back. as they left, i started shaking - but complied with what they asked.

they asked several questions before - "do you want to know how far along you are?" "yes.", "do you want to know if it's more than one?" "yes.", "do you want a copy of the ultrasound?" "no."

during the ultrasound i realized that radio music was playing in the room. i don't know if that was supposed to be comforting. 3 ads came on while i sat and waited for them to find my cervical lining. i laughed to myself again - was this real life?

i was 8 weeks and 3 days with one small bean, they didn't tell me if it had a heartbeat.

after the ultrasound, they escorted me back to the waiting room to wait even longer. i sat with my ex and asked him if he was sad that he didn't get to see the baby, he said "kind of, i guess."

as i was sitting, the woman with the baby that made me cry had left. i took this as a good sign. the Labyrinth had just gotten to the scene where david bowie sings "Dance Magic Dance" and it made me smile. i felt a little better. i also thought it ironic the main plot-line involved a baby, but i figured i was just reaching.

two more centuries later, i was called back again. this time, i sat in a brighter room with a different nurse. she asked me all of the routine questions about my health and explained to me the process of the medical abortion. after that, she checked my blood type and iron levels. i kept staring at her false eyelashes and runny eyeliner.

she excused herself from the room and told me she would bring my ex back to be with me now. when he got there we sat in that room staring at each other for what felt like forever. it was probably about 30 minutes. i think they do this, so you really have time to think alone after everything to make sure this is the right choice for you.

i was texting my mom on and off, telling her how i wished they would hurry. i knew i was doing the right thing and the waiting only made it harder.

outside of the room i heard the doctors talking and they mentioned two names. they were talking to other nurses, but those two names were the names of the two people i was doing this for. again, i took this as another sign. i was making the right choice.

after the last round of waiting, a new nurse came in with my medications. she was very funny and nice, and she explained everything very simply. i had met with 5 nurses in total. she then left to get the doctor.

he came in about 2 minutes later with the mifepristone and an antibiotic. he explained to me that i would take those two in the clinic and that there was no going back. he handed them to me and i swallowed them as fast as possible. i was just ready to go home. as soon as i took those pills, they escorted me and my ex to the lobby and we checked out. they let me know i had to stay in that town for 30 minutes, just in case i threw up the mifepristone and had to go back.

as soon as i got to my car, i cried one last time for my baby. two days ago, they were still my choice. after i took that pill, there really was no going back. it was over.

i went to target to get some supplies for today, and to kill time. i didn't end up puking and we left the town. unfortunately for me i had to drive home. the nurses told me that MOST women don't have side effects from the mifepristone, but i am not most women. nausea and light cramps the whole drive home.

as soon as i got home, i was in even more pain. maybe it was all in my head, but it hurt so bad i cried. i went into the shower and stayed until the water got cold. afterward, i passed out for the rest of the night.

and now here we are, today. i'm having bleeding right now, but i don't take the misoprostol until 2PM. i bought comfort food and i have movies picked out. i hope i'll at least be able to keep down some food.

i don't regret my decision. i know what i did was the right thing. besides, crying for it will not change what has already been done. i know i will always wonder what my baby could have been, but i cannot bring a baby into a non-loving relationship between its parents. i was raised that way, and i hated it.

i know one day i will be a great mom, when the time is right. this is my story, and if you've made it this far or even just read the first sentence - thank you for listening. if you have any questions or comments please feel free to post them. i'm open to all opinions and advice.