PTSD and depression

so I don't usually do this but I needed a place to vent and talk. I have PTSD and I've been incredibly depressed and haven't wanted to do anything or see anyone. At the same time, I'm so lonely and I just want someone to push through my defense mechanisms and be with me anyways. I know that's horrible to say. I'm just really struggling. I have a psychiatrist and therapist and I'm on medication, I just hate this feeling. I either feel numb, depressed, or anxious. I feel like a balloon full of air and I just can't pop to release any of it and it keeps building. I just want to be normal and don't want trauma to affect me this badly. I just want to feel alive again.