Need to rant/talk

My son was born at 33 weeks with a chosen c-section they told me I had to be induced, after a failed induction of 24 hours I was over it mentally and just wanted him to be safe, (he had iugr ) he was in nicu for 2 weeks. I cried everytime I left the nicu I cried when we were at home it got to the point where I couldn't even go to the nicu for a couple days. Ive tried to figure out what happened the doctor says he can't find anything wrong everything was perfect things just happen. Maybe if I hadn't stopped taking my prenatals, ate a lot more than I did (I ate a lot but I was always hungry) maybe if I had just waited a week he wouldn't have struggled to breath and would have never had to be in nicu, and I would have not missed out on his umbilical cord falling off, or changing his first diaper, or his first bottle. Since he came home I have this fear that he will have to go back, so im super over protective, witch I get a lot of shit for from friends and family.