I’m embarrassed

So I’m nineteen and I’ve never had a boyfriend I’ve never been kissed and I’m obviously a virgin but lately Ive been horny and i want someone to help me with that situation I don’t want a boyfriend I want like a friend with benefits I guess I also like older guys. But the reason I’m embarrassed is because I’ve never told anyone about this and I feel like my best friend will judge me. Plus I feel like i can’t find someone because I’m not particularly good looking. I just don’t know why all of the sudden I’m feeling like this

I guess I want a relationship but without an obligation to introduce the guy to my family and friends and I don’t want to have to do everything with him. Like I like the friend part and like I said I’m horny so I figured it’s the best option but then again I don’t want to lose my virginity to just anyone and since I can remember I’ve wanted to wait until marriage so I’m really confused. Like i want to be with someone but I don’t want to be super exclusive