Does anyone know helpful guidelines for healthy arguing? What works for you?

Question

Background: My fiancé has a temper & admits to picking fights as a means of gaining control in his life, so naturally we bicker about misc little shit I do that bothers him. I want to decrease the frequency of our conflicts. We are low income / no money for couples therapy. I want to approach conflict rationally and not let it get to me. But I can't just walk away or be dismissive every time because it's selfish & disrespectful. Please advise.

Answer

Don't argue, arguing is not productive. Sit down where you can face each other. Take turns talking and listening. Listen to learn and understand, not to respond. Ask questions if you need a thought expanded, but don't interrupt. Be receptive to questions without getting defensive. 
If volume or language start escalating, agree to walk away and come back to the topic later. It's very important to be respectful of each other and use language that isn't accusatory or insulting. 
It takes time, practice, and a lot of patience. Especially if you or your partner tend to get heated or defensive quickly. 
This is how my husband and I deal with conflict in our relationship. It may not work for everyone or be feasible for everyone, but those are my tips. 
I don't know that it's relevant, but we have been together for 11 years and married for 10.
Good luck to you! I hope someone has some tips that help you out!

Answer

Healthy arguing?
You mean healthy debate and conflict resolution?
You need to both be calm, seated facing each other, look each other in the eye when you talk. Listen to resolve, not to respond. If you get too heated, call a time out and walk away and come back and above all; Take a few moments to think about what you're gunna say before you say it!!
There is NO excuse good enough to try and take back shit that comes out in the 'heat of the moment'. 
Practise makes perfect and get a mediator if you really need to.

Answer

Maybe watch YouTube videos on healthy relationships. Kati Morton has some good videos.

Answer

Just wanted to say thank you to all who contributed to this thread. Relationship struggles can take you to a very dark and sad place, especially when there's not been resolve - and having adult women's input is what's going to get me through this I just know it. So THANK YOU. No one in my family has a healthy or happy romantic relationship and I'm socially isolated a lot so I really had nowhere to turn. Glow helped me not feel like just giving up on everything. Thank you.

Answer

If you guys are too wound up with anger then walk away from the argument and come back together after you’ve both cooled down. Sit down and let one another speak with NO interruptions. When he’s done then it’s your turn to talk and respond to what he said. Keep going like that. I find at least personally the major anger comes from feeling like you’re not being heard or understood, having a calm convo about it and actually hearing and absorbing what each other is saying really helps.

Does anyone know helpful guidelines for healthy arguing? What works for you?

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