Very depressed i feel trapped in my head

I'm less than 2 weeks away from my due date and I feel the most depressed and hopeless that I've ever felt in my life. I get suicidal thoughts every time I feel down, and I hate to say that. I honestly feel like I don't fit in this world. I'm lonely, no one knows how I feel, not my family, I don't even have friends, or any social media, I pretty much don't exist. I've always felt different and I've been in a long toxic abusive relationship for almost 10 years. The guy I have a 10 month old and now almost newborn with has been the only person outside my family that I've really interacted with and spent most of my life with. I stayed with him for a long time because he was someone I was used to, had so much history with and basically the only person outside my family i knew. But he was so aggressive and emotional abusive, a criminal, a hot head bi polar, a cheater, everything bad you can think of was him. He is my drug problem I can't ever just walk away from. And I stayed all that time because I'm a weak person that just wants any human connection or affection with. You can call me stupid, and naive, and weak, I know I am, but if you knew how I feel about myself and how my life is then you would understand. Honestly feel the only reason I'm still here and breathing if for my daughter and soon to be son. But I'm so afraid one day I will lose my mental battle to suicide and my children will live without a mother and grow up hating their selfish mother. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I feel so broken and abandon. How can you feel better if you have no one by your side, no one to talk to? I pray one day god will lift me up and continue to want to live for my children, but right now it's a battle to just wake up in the morning. Im sorry for writing this, i just had to say or type out everything that's going through my head. Goodnight.