Cried during sex? (Trigger warning: mention of sexual assault.)

WARNING ⚠️ Mention of sexual assault ! Could cause triggers ⚠️

So, not too long ago my parents were out of town, so my boyfriend and I decided it’d be a great opportunity for him to come by for the night. (We’re both 17)

So first we decide to watch a bit of television and what not when he’s getting handsy and touching my ass and sliding his hand down my underwear and kissing my neck so OBVIOUSLY it’s getting steamy and I’m really getting into it .. 👀

And we move things on into my bedroom, and he’s kissing down my body and taking off my clothes to the point where I’m only wearing a bra and my entire lady biz is exposed........but this is where things get a bit panicky.

Important to note that when I was 14, I was sexually assaulted/raped. We’ve given oral to one another — not exactly “sex”, but everything else in between — so I haven’t experienced a panic attack with him for the past 10 months, so I genuinely thought I was ready to have sex since I’ve been able to keep my cool in other instances. The whole initial reasoning behind him coming over WAS to have sex, but I guess my anxiety had other embarrassing plans 🤦🏾‍♀️

Anywho, he’s looking down at me naked when he realizes I’m breathing REALLY heavily, like gasping for air. The room is spinning and my heart was really getting ready to jump out my chest. It wasnt until he sat me up when I start bursting into tears, and start shaking violently.

Witnessing this, he immediately puts all his clothes on, all of MY clothes on, and proceeded to say how sorry he was for what happened to me, and what he did to trigger it, and said things like “I love you so damn much I never want to hurt you,” and “I will ALWAYS protect you.” And it really did calm me down. It was the absolute nicest thing, and I was expecting him to be upset for “teasing” him, but he carried me back out to the living room, cooked me some food and turned on Mulan for me (my absolute favorite movie—I know ALL the words).

It ended up just being a night dedicated to movies and food and then going to a haunted house party.

It’s still incredibly embarrassing. I really hate reacting the way I do sometimes. I just wish the memory could just disappear entirely, but I know everyone copes differently. Wanted to share because of how well my boyfriend handled it, and want to know when If I’ll EVER know if I’ll be ready for sex again? 😞