Heartbroken

After trying for several years, in September we met with a reproductive endocrinologist. In October I started provera to start my period, took letrozole paired w/ the metformin I was already taking, drank pomegranate juice and ate pineapple, and on cycle day 19 I took a trigger shot and on cycle day 21 I had an IUI. I remember how HARD that cycle was. I lived 4hrs away from my RE so I was making about 50 (not an exaggeration) phone calls between my specialist and my obgyn (who I need to find another 🙄) and pharmacies. I was the communicator and I honestly felt like I was all alone in this. My RE was amazing, but living 4hrs away there's only so much they could do. I remember how much the HCG trigger shot affected me. It was so confusing trying to distinguish between artificial and real symptoms. So since I didnt trust the artificial HCG in my body, I took HCG tests daily after my IUI to make sure the artificial HCG was leaving my system. On October 26th it was completely negative, which was good. That meant if there were to be a positive test on Nov 2nd (test day) it would be an actual pregnancy. Nov 2nd came and I tested. Almost threw it in the trash when I saw the faintest line ❤️ I posted on here to make sure I wasn't just seeing things and hundreds of people messaged back: every single comment said POSITIVE! I announced to my husband. We were so happy! I mustve taken a dozen more tests. But I was on guard too. And I would not let myself get excited. We had a chemical a few years ago, and I could not get out the back of my mind that something was off. But everything was perfect ❤️ my levels increased, my best friend conceived the same week as me also from her IUI, and our baby's due date was 7/15/18 which would be our 2 year anniversary! How could it not work out when it looked like it was meant to be so perfect. Around the five week mark I finally started to let my guard down. For 5 weeks every time I went to the bathroom and wiped I just KNEW there would be blood. The FIRST day I put my guard down when I wiped there was blood. This was Sunday night. I cried all night. I knew what this meant. Monday I called trying to get into my obgyn and they wouldn't see me. They said they were all booked up and that my regular doctor was in surgery. I felt so alone. I called other obgyns trying to get in and no one would take me. My only option was to go sit in a cold emergency room and be charged $100 copay just to be told what I already knew. So I waited. I decided I rather miscarry at home than at our horrible emergency room. My husband came home early Mon from work and took off Tues. We cried a lot. We worked so hard for this and I felt like we were being punished. We're good people. Why can't we just, for once, have a happy ending? We packed up the baby clothes we had for our baby and my husband cried while packing up the few books we bought after each infertility appointment. I asked him if he wanted to read a book to our baby, while it was still in me. It was so heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time when he got down in front of my stomach and read our baby a book. That was the first time I got to hear his "father" voice. The sound, between his cries, of how animated he was while reading. It broke my heart that I cant give him this baby. The book was called "Wherever you are my love will find you." We then went out and got milkshakes but we got three instead of two. I made myself sick drinking the extra milkshake for our baby's last night, but we wanted to celebrate. We didn't just want it to know sadness. We rented movies and ate dinner in bed. A few weeks ago we nicknamed the baby Flutter because during our TTC I would always see so many butterflies, and they would always seem to want to get my attention. So I think every time I see a butterfly it will remind me of Baby Flutter. Our baby tried so hard. Even during the miscarriage our HCG went up 30 more. The baby was trying so hard❤️ I couldn't ever be prepared for what it feels like when the doctor comes in and says it's not a viable pregnancy. They just left and it felt so cold. I had to walk out and the waiting room was full of beautiful bumps. I had to holdback tears. The receptionist told me I couldn't come back next week, that she's not sure why the doc told me to when we're all booked up. I told her I was having a miscarriage. The word was so hard to get out and I can't understand how people could be so insensitive. We're just going to take it one day at a time. I packed up all my positive tests that I'd happily displayed around our apartment. I feel so cold and unemotional. Is it bad that I just expect the worse to happen now with everything in my life. I'm not sure if I'll be strong enough to TTC again. How can I be happy with another pregnancy when I have what I want inside of me right now. How can I be happy with a new due date when I already fell in love with July 15th, 2018? I think the worst thing about miscarriage is that you feel like your baby didn't exist. You battle emotions on how to properly grieve without making other people uncomfortable because "it's not as bad as losing a baby alive." But it is hard. My baby was there. I saw two little lines getting darker. I saw the word "pregnant ". I felt the symptoms and it was confirmed. Our baby WAS there and it doesn't make it any less of our child just because we didn't get to hold it. Our faith is tested as well. How can everything line up so perfectly and then be taken away. We're having a hard time now. I feel sorry for every mother and father who's ever went through this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemies. You are all so strong ❤️💚💜💛💔