My mom died

Annika • Witch🌜Gamer 🎮 Ravenclaw 💙

My mom passed away a couple days ago. She didn't really go peacefully. She had HIV, and died as a result of multiple infections that are normally harmless. (A UTI and Toxoplasmosis). She went from being a really strong and independent woman (was a security guard and kickboxer, took shit from no one) to a frail woman who couldn't walk, could hardly speak, malnourished. Some days she knew who I was, some days she didn't. And her last 2 days she lost the ability to swallow. Couldn't even have water because the doctors and nurses were too afraid she would choke. It was so painful to see her like that, and not be able to do anything.

My mom and I had been best friends. I was looking forward to going to bars with her, and introducing her to my girlfriend. And I never got a chance to do any of it. I keep remembering how close we were when I was younger. I didn't get along with my dad, so she was my everything. The person I could talk to about anything, and who always understood.

My depression is so bad I can't even have a bad day at work without getting suicidal I have no idea how I'm supposed to deal with this. My mom would have been the person I went to for help and she's gone.