Issues..

I have bipolar disorder, manic depression, ADD, ODD and i literally go thru the craziest emotional shit everyday i take medication for it and ive been hospitalized multiple times but nothings seems to help..its like i dont necessarily want to die all the time but my mind is constantly telling me that its the only way out..and its so hard to not fall for the "brain games" my body plays on itself..or like for ex when theres a death..i laugh, and i promise im not an evil person, i feel the loss and the pain of it and it feels like sadness but comes out as what looks to be happiness. Or if i get upset ab something its really over, i get sooo angry over the smallest things and if i cant somehow calm myself down ill eventually just lose my shit..ive done bad things to myself on impulse and im constantly just breaking out into tears over nothing i mean i know ive been thru some pretty bad shit but..its in the past and i try to let shit go but i cant im always remembering shit. but even if i dont just remember shit that makes me sad i can still just out of nowhere do something like look in the mirror and just start to ball. but then again i have these spurts of energy where im super happy and positive and super confident but it can also be easily adjusted to all time lows and insecurities with in a snap of a finger. its confusing asf, because wtf am i supposed to tell people when they ask whats wrong..how am i supposed to express my emotions when my emotions obviously dont even know wtf they're doing😔I keep telling myself im not crazy but i really am seriously starting to doubt it...because i really couldnt even begin to explain the type of shit that goes on in my head everyday,like im not thinking ab killing shit or w.e but its like im just on a mission to destroy myself..but on the inside i just want to be good and okay..i dont know what to do.