I’ve never told anyone this . But I need advice ...

When I was 15 my virginity was taken away from me by my then boyfriend who was 18 years old . For a long time I didn’t accept the fact that he had raped me .

I was very very overweight and my self esteem was down in the dirt . I was so happy that someone finally paid attention to me and wanted to be with me . In the beginning he seemed really nice , he was a band member at his church and had very religious Christian parents and a very religious up bringing .

Eventually he became very manipulative and abusive . But. Never told anyone and i couldn’t leave him because I thought no one else would ever love me . I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend so he would often use it to manipulate me .

He would say things like “ send me nudes and videos ofyou touching yourself or I’m going to tell your parents you’re with me “ ... so I did because I was so very fucking stupid .

Then one day he used those photos against me , he threatened me again this time he told me he wanted me to skip school and spend the day with him . And thy if I didn’t he would send all of those photos to my parents .

So I did .... he took me to his house and kept touching my legs and grabbing my face to kiss me . I’m 5’1 and he was about 6’2 ... I kept asking him to take me home ( he lived a good 40 minutes away from me ) . And he kept saying no and eventually he forced me into his room and kept touching me and Kept holding my arms down and I kept asking him to stop and that I wasn’t ready and he eventually pulled my pants down and raped me . I cried the entire time , it was so painful and awful . I didn’t try to fight him off bc he was so much bigger than me it was impossible to get him off . He eventually stopped bc I kept crying ... he didn’t say much after he got dressed and told me to get into the car and he drove me to my school and left me there ..... this ruined my life . And I didn’t accept that he had raped me for years , I was raised catholic and my parents had always told me to save myself till I was married and I wanted to . But that option was taken away from me . I felt so dirty and awful ... i continued to stay with him bc i was very religious at the time and i thought i had to just because he had taken my virginity .

I was so you g and naive that I was scared I was pregnant bc I didn’t know how pregnancy worked ... my mom snooped in my Facebook and found out I lost my virginity by reading messages I had sent my bestfriend bc I was worried I was pregnant .My mom called me a whore and a million other insults . And I didn’t know what to say he had threatened me so much I was so afraid of him . To tbe point where I lied to my mom and said I loved him ( I didn’t at all ) just so she would calm down or maybe be understanding idk I was 15 idk what I was thinking at the time . It ruined my relationship with her for years and we’ve never spoken about it again even though we’re on very good terms now .

He became more abusive with time to the point where he had asked me for money and bc of his threats I have him over 100$ which for a teenager is a lot ... he would sneak into my

House unannounced and I would beg him to leave but I feel like he lived watching me have break downs . I finally grew some balls one day when he came with out telling me and tried to rape me again and when I didn’t let him ( I bit his face really hard so he would get off ) he tried to hit me in the face and I had a pair of thick wedges next to my bed and I grabbed one and hit him w it .... I told

Him to get away from me and I blocked him from everything . He would make fake accounts and try to talk to me, call me from fake numbers ect . Until I told him to leave me alone or I would contact his mother .. and I did I told her everything her son had done and to please keep him away from me .

He left me alone for a long time until recently he tried following me on Instagram and I blocked him and changed my account name so he couldn’t find me .

I’ve never told anyone this , but I think it really fucked me up . After that I did have relationships and I wasn’t able to have sex with out feeling dirty and with out wanting to cry . I have really bad intimacy issues and I hate when people touch me . ( besides my mom ) . I hate being alone around men even if it’s men I trust and love for example my father and my uncles . I have severe social anxiety and I’m always afraid and I hate it . Everyone around me thinks I’m tough and confident and out going but inside I feel like I wanna burst . It’s been such a long time since this happened to me . And I hate how much of my life it took away . How it affected my perspective on love . I always felt awful dirty and used whenever I had sex even when it was consensual sex with guys I was in relationships with .

I’m 21 now , and Ive been in a relationship for 2 years with a beautiful wonderful sweet man who loves me to pieces and has never forced himself on me , he makes me feel so loved and beautiful . For a long time I was uncomfortable w him trying to hug me or touch me in general but he was patient and respected the way i felt till I eventually became comfortable . He’s so gentle and affectionate in general When we have sex it’s different , I’m never ashamed anymore . I don’t feel dirty anymore . I finally feel loved . But I’m so sad and heart broken because I wish I could have given him my virginity . I know I’m young but he’s someone I would love to marry and spend my life with . And I feel awful that I don’t have the choice to give him that .

I wish I could . I wish that when I would have known that what had happened to me at 15 was rape . I use to think that just because he was in a relationship w me that it wasn’t rape .

I’m thankful for this app because I’ve never been able to tell anyone this . And sure people might not read it because it’s so long . But thanks to everyone who mAkes this app a good place to be able to atleast write out these things