not the happiest story

I've scrolled through so many stories hoping to see that one I could relate to, but nothing so I want to post my story for Mama's who may be scared to, because they weren't filled with joy. August 12th (39 weeks and 3 days) was the first day I begin to get the worst contractions, we went to the hospital and they kept me for 2 hours to see if I would dilate, but I didn't so they gave me meds for the pain and we went home.

Only problem is they worked for about 4 hours and I was back in pain and had a sleepless night. On the 13th my contractions became more intense and closer together, we finally thought this is it and got the go ahead from my doctor to come in. I was only 1cm dilated, they waited again for a couple of hours, but no progress. I was sent home absolutely defeated and exhausted. Another sleepless night, I couldn't eat either because the constant pain had me in bed.

It's the 14th around 10pm and I'm in the worst pain of my life, I could barely breathe and I cried with every contraction. I eventually end up throwing up and my fiance told me we were going to the hospital and not leaving no matter what. So when we get there I'm 4cm dilated and they admitted me. I was so happy, I begged for epidural because after 3 days of non stop pain I couldn't take it anymore. They move me to the delivery room and get me all hooked up and I finally get to experience some relief until they put the catheter in.

For some reason every part of me was numb except the area where the catheter was. I called the nurse freaking out and she told me if they removed it they would have to put it back in every few hours which increased infection risk. I gave up and told her to let it stay. I slept for about 2 hours and then I couldn't sleep again. it was 4am (the 15th) and my fiance was out cold. Around 8am the nurse came in and put me an a awkward position and put this thing under my leg.

I was 8cm but babygirl wasn't moving down. It was the most painful feeling being in this twisted position and have what resembled a mini ball under my leg that even the epidural couldn't numb, but it did speed up the process. At 10:03am on the 15th my daughter entered this world. I pushed for 10 minutes and tore extremely bad. I had so many 2nd degree tears I cannot even remember the amount of stitches I received. I felt like I was watching someone else's experience. I looked at my fiance who was crying and I felt absolutely nothing.

I thought I was the worst mother in the world. I didn't feel the, "it's worth it." or the, "you'll forget about the pain once you see their face." The pain was still there and I didn't feel the connection at all. Little did I know it was the beginning of my PPD. It wasn't until my daughter was 8 weeks old that I got the feeling you're told you feel when they're born.

The mom guilt was huge, because I felt nothing everyone told me I would feel. It wasn't until I did a lot of research that I found there were other moms like me. I love my daughter to death. She's 3 months old and such a joy to my life. I posted this to say it's okay to have a horrible experience and not have that immediate connection. It is completely normal and you don't have to finish every sentence with, "it's totally worth it." You're not a bad parent, you're doing great and stay strong Mama's!