16 and pregnant

I found out i was pregnant March 21st 2017. I was a mess but my boyfriend was an even bigger mess. He was devastated. He wanted an abortion. When i refused he then was set on adoption. He was set on that through out my whole pregnancy. But my heart did not know what to do. I didn't have any clue of what to do my whole pregnancy. Even a week before i went into labor I still had no idea what i was doing. My family is very religious so i tried to hide my pregnancy but when they found out it was very emotional. After time they came around. Both of our families were so supportive and wanted to help but they didn't know how since I didn't know what i was doing.

My pregnancy was hard. I've had an eating disorder since I was ten and extreme anxiety. It made everything harder. I was miserable my whole pregnancy and my boyfriend who is my best friend became slightly emotionally distant because of the stress weighing on him through this. He has such a big heart, and he thought of himself as such a failure as all of his friends went on Church Missions. He obviously wasn't the one holding our baby in his stomach so he didn't feel any attachment yet. He has such awful anxiety my whole pregnancy that he would throw up cause his stomach couldn't take it. He never left me though. We fought a lot, but he never left or walked away. or even thought about it.

So basically through out my whole pregnancy i had no idea what i was gonna do and pushed it away. I couldn't mentally wrap my head around the idea that i was actually going to be having a baby. I was excited but i was terrified and didn't think I could be a mother. I had A LOT of people telling me that i had to do adoption, and that i could not do this. It broke my heart hearing that. I felt so low and so broken. I loved my baby so much already and hearing that i couldn't do it broke me. I think that's a big part of why i couldn't figure out what to do. I knew in my heart what was going to happen, but i was terrified.

On a stormy friday morning around 3am i couldn't sleep cause i kept having this awful pains. I thought they were gas pains so i pushed through them. I was supposed to be induced in just a few days at 39 weeks. I kept suffering through what i thought was gas, but around 3pm my mom was like "Girl we have to go to the hospital right now" So we went and little did i know i was actually in labor. They hooked me up to the IVs (took 3 pokes to get it in) and i called my boyfriend who was skiing and he hurried down the mountain and got their. Both of our families soon arrived as well. My boyfriend and I are both the youngest in our families and our siblings are around the same ages. It was the first time our families had met. Through out my labor our siblings became best friends which made me so happy.

So now it's around 7pm on Friday, contractions are awful but i'm still holding off on an epidural because everyone told me how horrid it is. I was so mentally not prepared for this as i kept saying "Let's just stop this and go home." And I seriously thought that was an option. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that i was actually going to give birth. like what?!? It all seemed so surreal to me. Like i was in a dream. It still feels like that when i look back on this day.

A little later A nurse comes in and noticed there is a puddle by my iv. She realizes that THE WHOLE TIME, the Pitocin was leaking into the floor and wasn't going into my arm. This made me freak out because i was tested positive for GBS. So i was terrified that the antibiotics for the GBS weren't going through either. They assured me it was, but i was still upset. So the Pitocin finally starts and the contractions got so much worse so i finally stopped my crying and got the epidural. IT WAS AMAZING. Didn't feel anything and after i felt so much better.

Things kept going super slow and now it's Saturday morning. My epidural starts wearing off on one side and the other is so numb i can't even tell where my leg is. My sisters decide to go home for a little and sleep and my boyfriends brothers stay. My sister wanted to be in the delivery room so badly. she had talked about it my whole pregnancy. But around 4am in the morning, 26 hours after my contractions had started, my doctor said i was ready to push and that we weren't waiting for anybody. My heart seriously dropped. i started to panic. I was really about to have a baby. my mind went crazy. I really did have a baby in me, this was all real. I was about to give life. The past 9 months of heck were about to be over. I really did have a baby in me who was about to be born into this world and i was gonna be a mom. I couldn't comprehend it.

My mom goes on one side of me to hold my leg and the nurse is on the other. I didn't want my boyfriend to do it cause I was dumb and didn't want him seeing my vagina like that. Once my mom saw the blood she got dizzy and my boyfriend stepped in. It was probably the most bounding experience of my life. Watching him watch me give birth was the sweetest thing. once he saw our sweet baby he broke into tears. I watched him fall in love. He saw our sweet baby girl and all the feelings of anxiety and fear melted away. He became a dad. He never had any experience with babies but with her he was a natural. He was, and still is, obsessed. He changed every single diaper while we were at the hospital and took care of her through out the days. He showed her off and was more nervous than i was with letting people hold her. He never left my side once through out my labour and my recovery in the hospital. he never left her side either. Now we are home and he is just as in love. He is a good dad. Not a Good teen dad, but a good dad in general. And i am a good mom. Not just a good mom for a teenager, but a good mom for any age. I love my baby girl and I know i made the right decision choosing to parent. It's been harder than i ever thought, and i have been struggling with postpartum, but i CAN do this and i'm doing a good job at it. My life has more purpose than ever. Before her, i was a dumb highschool girl. Now i'm a mom. I can honestly say she is the best thing to ever happen to me.

November 18th 2017 4:33am

Sailor Everleigh

6lbs 3oz & 18 inches