i’m choosing me.

i’ve had a feeling my relationship has been “weird” lately. i tried to push it out of my mind and blame it on my anxiety and my insecurities stemming from issues we had several months ago. but i just couldn’t shake this feeling of uneasiness i was feeling.

well tonight i did something i probably shouldn’t of. i went into his phone. i know it’s not healthy to do so but something really felt off.

come to find out after being forgiving for lying, and being sneaky about massive amounts of porn, several emails from paying amateur porn stars for porn videos of acts he specifically requested, and messaging his ex’s, he hasn’t changed. i thought maybe the past was in the past and he was ready to move forward with our relationship but i was totally wrong.

i discovered text messages between him and another girl, whom i do not know requesting prices for a three some, a double blow job (from her and a friend) and prices for videos and pictures of sex acts.

i immediately felt sick to my stomach after reading those texts. i shook with anger and disgust as he lay asleep next to me. how could i be so naive to think he was not doing anything wrong.

typically in the past he has kept all of his messages even on facebook deleted. the only ones he kept were ours. i know it was a red flag but in the three years we’ve been together he has always done that so i didn’t really put two and two together. until now.

i woke him up and asked him who this girl was and his response was “what”? i then told him he needed to get his stuff and leave. his response? “i’m not gonna argue with you”

after 3 years of memories. 3 years of bonding with his child whom i love and loves me. i am hurt that i’m not worth and explanation or even acknowledgement of his actions. brushed me off as if i never mattered. my feelings never mattered. i was the bad person.

i’m so hurt, angry and confused. and i’m not sure what to do. i cannot forgive him for this. he was planning on cheating on me. i should’ve left sooner. saved myself the most valuable thing that can’t be replaced. my time and energy i put into our relationship. can’t believe someone whom i thought was a sweetheart could be so cold hearted.

update****

he’s coming over today to return some of my stuff i had left at his house and also so i can give him the rest of his stuff. he asked me if 5pm was okay like i’m making plans to do other stuff 🙄🙄. anyways i really don’t want to hear what he has to say but in a way i really want to. i’m just at a loss for words because of his actions. i’ll update later. and i’m not taking him back!

okay so update *******

he came over and bought me dinner and was all nice and stuff like he is when he fucks up 🙄 anyways we talked. or more like i talked and he said barely anything then admits to me that he met this other girl in a bar and just “wanted to see where it went” smh.