PLEASE READ for the love of a girl who just needs help

I’m 14 years old and I suffer from Bulimia Nervosa and Binge Eating disorder. I have been binge eating since 5th grade and I began purging in 7th grade.

In fourth grade some girls told me that I would be prettier if I was skinny, and that was the first time I ever questioned my body. I began seeing myself as ugly and not good enough. I even wrote down a workout plan that I taped to the back of my door. In this note I called myself names to “motivate” myself to work out. I found this note a couple of weeks ago in my memory box, and I cried when I saw that I have hated how I look for almost half my life.

In 7th grade I began purging because it was the only way for me to relieve myself of the guilt from binging. I also began self-harming. I went into an extremely dark period where I would go a couple days without eating, then I’d binge the next day and purge after. I began losing weight and my parents finally started praising me. They told me I was slimming down and I looked better. So I kept going. I never became underweight, but I wasn’t healthy either.

In 8th grade I did the same, but I actually started putting in an effort to recover. I drank water every time I felt even a little bit hungry. I never skipped meals, but I never snacked. I had started eating healthier. I made the volleyball team, so that gave me some confidence. However, when one girl began making fun of me and spreading rumors, I felt out of control again, so I began rampantly cutting myself. I didn’t want to realapse into my eating disorder, but I had been cutting myself for so long that it became second nature. People began noticing in the locker rooms. No one said anything though. No one ever does.

I didn’t have any friends, I ate in the bathroom at lunch, and I was extremely suicidal. I just wanted everything to end. I hated living and going home didn’t provide me with any solace either because my parents were always nagging at me and down my throat. I remember waking up and looking forward to going back to sleep in 14 hours. Sleeping, purging, and cutting were the only things that gave me relief: because then I couldn’t feel anymore.

Now I’m in high school. I’m freshman class president, I started my own club, all my teachers hold me in high regards, I know a lot of people, but I’m still not happy. But I have everything, right? I started binge eating again, but I don’t always purge. I don’t cut myself anymore because I don’t have time. I have all A’s except for in my Algebra 2 trig class I have a B- and I am SO stressed trying to get that grade up to an A. My parents won’t get off my back when it comes to my grades. I can’t take this misery anymore. I don’t want to die, I just want to live and be happy. I want to look forward to things during the day, like seeing my friends.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this, but I need to know that I’m not alone I guess. I just need to get this off my chest. Sorry for the long post.