My bisexual struggle

Hey everyone, so basically I’m in need of some advice but I’m not quite sure what to ask without giving a little backstory. So here goes..

So I’ve been bisexual for as long as I can remember. My last relationship before the one I’m in now lasted 5 years pretty much on the dot and was with a women. She proposed to me after just 10 months of dating and I thought for-sure she was the one. But I guess I was wrong and she ended up cheating. I had to move in with my grandmother and was basically out partying all night and day with old and new friends. It was three months of drinking all the time, smoking weed pretty frequently (which was something I used to only do maybe 3 times a year) and jumping all of my new and old friends bones. Now I didn’t actually have sex with all of them but I definitely teased and whored around and made out and did other things with them. One of them was my closest girl friend since 7th grade and is married to a man (her and her man were okay with it). Another was a sexy guy I met at the local tattoo shop who I could tell we were both extremely attracted to each other the second we laid eyes on each other (We fooled around the most). And the other guy was a close guy friend that I used to call my bro in high school, we had those deep friend conversations a-lot, loved the same music and loved to talk about what girls we thought were the hottest together lol. So my life got to a point where I was basically getting drunk and making out with my best girl friend, getting super turned on and calling my sexy guy friend, getting a ton of orgasms from him and then my “bro friend” would call and want to hang out and go on an adventure so I’d do that. It was like a non stop cycle for a while. Anyway, after one of our adventures it was like 7am and we finally got back to my bro friends house and we’re just talking and watching movies and fell asleep. This might sound stupid but it was the first time I’d ever stayed overnight with a guy and somewhere in my mind I guess it was a big deal eventho I didn’t really think of him in a sexual way. But when I woke up all close to him I got super turned on and scooted closer. And I felt him get closer. I put my hand on his arm and he put his on my hip and as soon as we both realized that the other was actually interested in doing this we went absolutely crazy on each other. All the way. (My first time with a guy) It was fucking amazing. And we kept doing it. But I also kept seeing my sexy new guy friend too. I wasn’t looking for a real relationship with anyone. I guess just physical attention. It was the only thing that made me feel good about myself after my breakup. But then obviously when the moment was over and I was sober I felt more like a piece of shit skank. Especially the day I hooked up with both guys in less than like 10 hours. And it LITERALLY did not even click in my head that that’s what happened until the next day.

Anyways, I’m sorry. All of this part is not even relevant to the advice I need to ask but sadly eventho it’s been almost 5 years since all this I have never been able to talk about it like this. It just feels good to get out I guess.

So I guess I’ll keep going. I ended up pregnant. By my high school guy friend. The first week I didn’t even know if I wanted to keep the baby. I was feeling majorly depressed. I just came out of a fresh breakup that was obviously killing me enough that I had to party and sleep around all the time to keep myself distracted from it. And now I have this serious situation to face. I didn’t have my own car. I just started a new job the week my ex dumped me. I was living with my grandma. What the fuck was I going to do with a baby. I was just stressed out to the max and I completely pushed my friend away.. at some point after I decited to keep the baby and had gone to a few OB appointments on my own already, he charmed his way back into my life. I don’t know how we got to where we are now honestly, but we’ve been together ever since.. maybe because of the child we have together.. that’s really how I feel a lot of the times. Some days it feels like we are doing good and we have some romance but a lot of times it feels like there’s no connection between us at all other than we share our amazing child together. So as a couple we’ve both been majorly struggling with this. Now, I believe in God, so I try to believe that he has the power to fix anything that’s broken. So as long as I stay and keep trying and keep hoping and keep praying, maybe my boyfriend and I will have some kind of breakthrough and finally understand each other. But it’s so hard for me to stick around. And also so hard for me to give up on.. so I’m just here. Existing. Loving my baby. Having some good days where I feel like we’re a family, and other day where my boyfriend is insecure and I get angry and defensive and our child is telling us to stop fighting 💔 and I just don’t know how to handle it lately. It’s a constant battle I have within myself of should I stay and keep trying to work this out or should I go? How do you take your baby away from it’s father when he’s never done anything bad to it? How would my baby take it if I left? How does it help my baby if I stay? I ask myself that and a million other similar questions pretty often. All because my boyfriend is extremely insecure with the fact that I have been with women before. And that I am attracted to them still. We will be blunt together about women we think are attractive if we are referring to actresses or something, but a random person I see on Facebook I would never just say hey babe look at this super attractive lady. Also he once went thru my Snapchat and noticed a girl that I follow who is a tattoo model and just took a lot of selfies of herself dancing around in her underwear. Which I didn’t think was horrible at all considering that I had previously found 6,000 photos and videos he had saved onto a hard drive of completely naked girls and gross pornographic videos. So I didn’t think it would be a huge deal that he saw the one girl I follow on Snapchat who is showing thousands of other people her ass and bra. But he does not seem to trust me since finding that. Not even with my best friend (a different one who I have never in my life fooled around with) that I’ve also known since 7th grade. Timeline... sorry you need a timeline. He found my Snapchat girl about 7 or 8 months ago. I found his wank-bank about 2 years ago. I sometimes have a hard time trusting him especially when im feeing insecure. and I’ve been trying to put myself in his shoes in a sense that ‘yes I might find it uncomfortable to date someone who is attracted to each gender’. But then at the same time I also get this rush of (well I wouldn’t know what you call it) where I think, fuck this, I don’t need to put myself in his shoes or make excuses for him anymore I need to focus on me and what I want and need.

Well shit, ladies who stuck around to read my random and mashed up vent thingy.. Thankyou. Sorry if it was a total waste of time. I’m just not sure what I can do to help my relationship. I want him to trust me and not feel so insecure about me being bisexual because I feel like it affects everything and that I can’t get away from the stresses of home and work off to a girls night without him thinking I’m going to hook up with my best friend. Just help me!! Please!! Any advice!!