Dear self

At such a young age you learnt that you can never depend on anybody but yourself. You learnt what a heartbreak felt like only at the age of 3, when you stayed up all night because he promised he would call. It was the 6th time you realized he wasn’t going to call. And that’s when you learnt that everyone eventually will let you down. At 6 you were living with your mom in a old shitty apartment, even though we were dirt ass poor, mom still managed to get you into dance and feed you. Even if that meant her not eating. That’s when you learn that you never take anything for granted. Later that year you had a sister and mom was working 3 jobs to support us and still managed to keep you in dance. Mom always made sure you were happy. I guess that’s why it was so hard tell her later in life that you aren’t. Age 9 is when things stared to change. You have a step dad now and he’s really nice and funny. He’s in love with mom. They get married when your 11. That’s when you learn that love is patient. Age 12 you start feeling less happy and always scared to go outside for some reason, you brush it off thinking it’s nothing that the feeling will go away, this is when you first me anxiety and depression, your future best friends. Age 12 the first time you put a blade to your thigh wanting to feel something other then sadness. Age 12 the only thing that makes you happy is dance. The way you can express yourself without words. Age 12 you have a new baby sister. Age 13 things are getting bad but you still don’t tell mom, age 13 you start questioning your existence and if you really matter. Age 13 you stop looking both ways before you cross the road. Age 13 you burn yourself daily. Age 13 mom still doesn’t know. At 14 you tried to take your own life, it goes unnoticed, everyone was too busy with their lives. Age 14 it’s getting harder and harder each day. School is hard and you dread going. The only place you feel at peace is the dance studio. Age 15 you can no longer breathe. You’re under water. Dance no longer makes you happy. That scares you because now nothing makes you happy. Mom is suspicious but doesn’t know what’s going on. Depression took the only thing that made you feel alive. Now youre a corpse with a heartbeat not dead but not alive either. Age 15 you try to take your own life, again no one notices. Age 16. Your arms and legs are covered in scars you hide them from everyone. Age 16 your no loner dancing, you no longer smile, no longer laugh. You no longer do anything. Age 16 your best friend tell your mom everything that’s happening the night you try to hang yourself. Mom cries. Mom talks to you and gets you on meds and thing are looking up. Mom send you to live with your aunt 7 hours away to get out of the small town. The meds start to make you not feel anything at all. You stop talking them the same week your best friend dies. Now you are back at square one and can’t tell anyone that you’ve stop taking your meds. The whole thing is starting again. Age 16 every smile that’s on your face is fake. Age 16 you feel as if nothing will ever change. Age 16 nothing will ever make you happy again so what’s the point. Present day, age 16 the urge to kill yourself is stronger then it ever was. Present day, but you are stronger then you ever were