im confused

I've been really sad lately. I don't know why, my mom says there is no reason for me to be sad since I have everything in life. I just feel empty. A little background: When I was in fifth grade i started to feel a little weird. I wished for death. I prayed to God that he would kill me soon. I hated myself. I felt worthless, I felt that I will never bring anything good in the world. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn't make eye contact if my life depended on it. I remember how I isolated myself from all the kids in recess. I would sit in the corner far from everyone. Someone noticed, they told the principal. Then I was in the principals office with my mom, dad, and grandma. I remember seeing her cry. I didn't know what I was going through, I thought I every kid went through this. I later had to see a therapist. Then I psychiatrist, I was given two small pills. One for anxiety and the other for depression. I felt better under a week. That's not good. It was the Placebo effect. I stopped taking it in eight grade, after taking it for 3 years. of course he increased my dose and I didn't want to depend on meds. After that my period messed up a lil because of the quick withdrawal. I'm in 9th grade now. Things have not gotten better in my head. It's my body, I gained weight because of the meds. I hate everything about myself. I'm the ugliest girl in the world. I mean this . Sometimes I want to die. I wish I killed myself 4 years ago.