Husband hasn’t hit me since September 2016 but I keep thinking he will

In 2016 i found out my husband of 5 years cheated on me. I was so upset and I knew he was lying about not having sex with her. I was so angry and depressed that I found out how to get in his phone records and I confronted him. He tried to take my phone and then he kicked me every time I tried to get it. He kept yelling at me because I was crying and telling him I know what he did. He started to beat me really badly. When he hit my head I would see green flashes, he threw me to the ground and spat on me, pulled my hair, choked me, grabbed my face and hit me. His sister had to break the door down to get me out and his dad had to come and drive me to my parents house. I got back with him after him begging for me back for a month.

On New Years last year ee went to a banquet hall he was drunk and left to get our coats to leave. I didn’t know he did that because he just disappeared. When he came back he screamed at me in front of everyone at the banquet hall including our friends. I felt so scared I froze up. He still blames me for making him look bad that day.

Now he calls me bitch and idiot. He calls me fat too because I haven’t lost the baby weight yet (I’m almost 4 months pp) but he seems like he’s joking. I tell him I don’t like it but he still does it and he won’t listen to me when I want to talk about certain things. He yells at me a lot and I feel afraid to talk about anything. I can feel myself hesitating. I have chronic nerve pain and i get by taking care of our daughter but I physically can’t work right now. His sister tells me she doesn’t know why I stay with him.

I feel like I’m playing tug of war with myself.