My Depression story

Hello everybody. I have depression and anxiety. Started seeing a new counselor who suggested something for me but baby steps. She suggested to tell people my story. So I am going to tell who ever is reading my story. I am going to make this anonymous just because I don’t think I’m fully there there. Okay I am currently 22 years old. Everything started as early as I can remember so probably 6 or 8. I lived with my parents and two sisters. My Dad was an alcoholic who beat my mom in front of us every time he would get drunk. The drinking was every Friday nights to Saturday nights. If we would try to stop him he would com after us. They sent me away one year for 6months to live with a family member. Supposedly while I was gone my Dad stop drinking and they lived like a family without me. I thought I was the problem. 6th came around I learned I was dyslexic but my dad didn’t understand what that was so he called me stupid every day and told me I was worthless. That year we became homeless for a bit. Same year a family friend sexually abused me. Turned me paranoid towards men to my own Dad as well. Started 7th grade was in low classes cus I had “learning disability” they told my Dad and he started denying to be my father because he couldn’t not have any a stupid child. He would tell my mom was a slut and that I was not his daughter. I was 12/13 went to a party with my best friend where I was sexually abused by her now brother in law while her Mother watches the whole time. 8th grade came around, I was 13/14 I got into alcohol and marijuana and pills. Spent most of my time sleeping which caused me develop an eating disorder so I was forced to take 8 different kind of pill because my body was to weak to work by it’s self. I was already suicidal only I was letting my body kill itself. 14 I was sexually abused by my own uncle. At this I was already broken. My body was there but my mind was gone. I said things I did things to show I was okay but no one ever catches on. 15 year old I had gotten better from my eating disorder thanks to marijuana made me get hungry and eat a lot. I was raped by a family friend at a party. After that I had completely changed. I was no longer talkative. I would freak if someone number into e or hugged me or put their arm on my shoulder. I hated school I hated parties I hated any social place. I started cutting myself at 16. All I could think was why? What did I do? I didn’t dress provocative. I didn’t have any to show or give but yet they did what they did. Could they smell my fear? Would it stop? I tried to kill myself at 17 years old sister caught me stuck her finger down my throat. I would take pain killers to feel nothing. At 19 I wanted to kill myself again but I wanted to succeed only I didn’t want who ever found me to be traumatized their whole life so I had to think of ways to make it less graphic. All I could think of was pills and alcohol because no one was going to be coming home til the next day so no one to stop me but turned out my parents asked my boyfriend to spend the night because I was not trusted. He found me. I couldn’t anymore. I got help and medicine but for therapy; every counselor I saw (6of them) turned me away because I was to Sever. I am now 22 and I’m doing better I am not pregnant and couldn’t be more happier but I am scared to death to have a girl. A girl who looks like me. Whatever they saw in me others might see in her and I am scared to death. I am sorry to my future kid, if you are a girl momma is ganan be a crazy over over over over protective mom.