Okay so I’m going to try my best to keep this post as short as I possibly can. But my situation is kind of complicated.

Well this starts back in high school. My current boyfriend and I dated and went to prom together. I kissed my ex boyfriend of 3 years about 4 months into our relationship and we broke up. I hurt him and I regretted it ever since.

Fast forward to 2015-2016 and my current boyfriend and I started working together at a local grocery store. I was in an abusive relationship at the time and him and I became close friends again throughout our time as co workers. I ended the relationship I was in and in September of 2016 my current boyfriend and I got back together for the first time since high school. Things were MAGICAL. We were so in love and it was perfect. So in February of 2017 we rented a house together. Things were still great at this point. Around April of 2017 things started getting weird. He rarely wanted to have sex with me. He was on his video game every chance he got. We argued non stop. But nothing serious. Things were starting to get better. But in May we both lost our jobs and soon found new ones. Things still weren’t that bad. Well I started having awful car problems and needed to buy a new car. He was totally against it but I had no choice. It was either get a new car and have a job or no car and lose my job because my car wasn’t dependable enough to make it to work. So against his opinion I bought a car in June. This meant an extra bill and much more money to be spent a month on insurance and car note. He started talking about how we were no longer financially stable because we had both taken a pay cut. He still made more than me hourly. But keep in mind I was paying rent, power, water, my car note, my phone bill, and my insurance by myself. He only had to buy groceries/house supplies and pay his personal bills which were a car note and insurance and a bill for our mattress.

Here is where it gets a little crazy. He did not under any circumstances want to move back in with his parents to save money and not ruin our credit so because of that I was stressing wondering how the hell I was going to be able to afford the bills. I was desperate. A girl on instagram contacted me a month previous asking if I wanted to be her “page model” basically this consisted of ***sending her nudes for her to post and sell to men (no face pics)** I initially declined and said there is no way in hell I would ever do that. Well when all this happened I contacted her back and I did. I sent her photos in exchange for cash. Thinking, Hoping that it would save us from having to move out of our own home and back in with his parents. Well long story short it didn’t help. I never even got paid. Stupid of me I know. But I kept this from him.

In August of 2017 we moved back in with his parents. In September he asked randomly if he could check my phone. (I never deleted any of the messages or photos from my instagram dms. I wasn’t trying be sneaky I just never told him)

He found the photos and the messages and that’s when shit hit the fan. I tried so hard to explain my reason for why I did what I did. He was not having it. He thinks I’ve cheated and doesn’t trust me at all. He made me delete all of my social media sites. He made me quit modeling and doing photography which were my hobbies. I complied to everything. I apologize profusely. I cried. I screamed. I done anything I could think to do to save my relationship because I thought I had lost him over something so stupid I should have never done.

We argued for months on end. Almost broke up countless times.

So since then I’ve been miserable. I cater to his every need and want. Do everything I can for him. Never ask for anything in return. He knows my location at every moment of every day. (iPhone allows you to share it consistently)

And lately he quit his job because he’s starting an amazing new job on the 22nd. So for about a month he has been staying up all night long and sleeping all day. Plays his video game non stop. Doesn’t show me any real attention or affection. Argues over the smallest things. And makes me feel like an utter and complete idiot most of the time. I walk on eggshells hoping I don’t say or do anything wrong to not piss him off.

It’s January now and I haven’t been back on social media. I want it back but too afraid to ask. I want our relationship back the way it was before. And I feel like there is no way he will ever trust me again. I’ve done everything I can think of. I’m not very happy anymore. But I love him and I want so bad for this to work out and us to be us again. I don’t know what to do. He’s actually told me he will not trust me again for a very very long time. Which I understand but at the same time how do I know when enough is enough? When will the punishment be over? When can I be me again?

I hate living with his parents by the way but I have no where else to go and if I stay with a friend that pretty much ends the relationship right there.

Advice? Comments? Help?