Why do I do this to myself?!

I quit taking tests every month because it’s just too upsetting. Well today I thought “maybe I’ll just take one” because I have been extremely moody, nauseated, etc. Well guess what? It was a BFN! I’m only 8 DPO but I was just hoping for that BFP so I could surprise my husband when he comes back from hunting. I told myself I wasn’t going to be upset if it was negative but in reality, it hit me. I’m upset, once again. Sorry, I just needed to vent because I have no one else to vent to.