Should I send this to my best friend?

Hey Christian Ladies of Glow,

I know none of you so this is we’re I feel the safest sharing my feelings. I’ve been contemplating running away tonight and it scared me because I felt no remorse- I was a little excited and felt like it was something that finally wanted to do. Since I was scared, I thought I should seek some type of advice or second opinion. Should I send this to my Best Friend?

By the way I’m 18, turning 19 in a few weeks.

*names have been changed*

Best Friend,

You’re the only one I trust right now besides my family. You mean the world to me and I would hate to disappoint you. I’m trying not to shut everyone out but that’s just an automatic reflex when I get depressed. I just don’t want to make the same mistake (former friend) did-she shut everyone out. I honestly don’t even want to send this message...but I read an article and it said I really needed to talk to someone. I’ve just been feeling completely lost lately. I’ve been nonstop crying, praying, and just a complete mess. I’ve dropped out of my college courses to regain focus. I’m scared. Tonight, the thought of me running away-taking my car, packing a bag, taking whatever I have in my account and driving to wherever the wheel leads me-seemed like something I really wanted to do as soon as tomorrow. That scared me. I’ve thought about it before but now I was about to pack a bag....and just leave. I prayed tonight during prayer but something was missing...when the uproar in the Holy Ghost happened I felt it in the beginning and then (lady) decided she wanted to scream the whole time lol so I kind of lost my flow. Anyways when church was over and I left, I felt immediately depressed again and the feeling of running away hit me like a bag of bricks.

I don’t want to leave. That would literally break my mom and my grandma’s birthday is on Sunday. If word got out I ran away....everyone would be so disappointed in me😔. Pastor...the (family I admire)...all of my classmates...the whole church. Everyone has so much faith in me.

My mom is about to get married again...she’s starting a new life as a married woman to a man actually serving God...she’s happy for the first time in forever and I don’t want to be the one mess that up. I’m not going to send this message...why open up to someone? So you can pity me for having such bad depression? So you can text me to check up on me and see if I’m okay daily? I don’t want that. I don’t know what I want actually...I wish someone would approach me and say—“You’re lost aren’t you? You need a helping hand, I’m here...I know you’re hurting, I see behind your smile every day. You’re not alone.”

A part of me feels: I’ve disappointed everyone before...Hey, running away means I’m one less disappointment they have to deal with every day.

If I leave, I’ll come back...I just need to figure ME out. Please don’t be mad at me. I don’t want God to be mad at me either...I feel like I’m disappointing him. I know he loves me!! Why can’t I just get it together and be happy every day like everyone else, huh?!!!!! I just want to be happy.

Honestly, I know for a fact the devil is wanting to get me out of the way so badly because God has something great in store for me. My mom is back in church and he’s been attacking me ever since. God wants me to stay strong and fight and I’m trying my hardest. I really am. When I make progress, it’s like I fall back twice as fast. 1 step forward, 10 steps backwards. I want to be 💯 before God uses me...or maybe this is his way of using me?? I hate that I feel this way!!

(Best friend), just pray for me. I love you more than words can describe and I know you hurt sometimes as well. You never open up to me though...maybe you don’t trust me enough or you have a lot of hurt and just don’t know where to start. I don’t know. But if I leave, I hope you take note that I opened up before I did leave so you might do the same with someone you trust when you feel down or sad.

I just had to get all of that out before I am completely dead inside...Maybe this helped, maybe it didn’t-I don’t know.

I won’t say “goodbye” because I’ll start crying again so what I will say is “till we meet again”.

Love,

(Me)