A failed dream

**Long Post**

In short, I need help.

My story starts at a young age. I knew I wanted to be in the military. At the age of 15 I made the decision to become a United States Marine. No one had faith in me, my parents practically disowned me. The recruiter let me workout with them but I knew he had no faith in me, either.

As years went by, I took many military classes with a teacher who I found a support system in, I spent EVERY Tuesday and Thursday night at the office. Working out, preparing myself. I become a leader, or the guide in military terms, and officially enlisted just days after my 18 birthday since my parents would not sign for me. I was determined. I ended a 2 1/2 year relationship to make my military career number one in my life. Just months before I left for bootcamp however, I met the love of my life who was also enlisted

He supported me and loved me and pushed me even closer to becoming a Marine. He got word he would be leaving to bootcamp months early. The day he left, I got a call that I had the chance to leave months earlier myself just in two more weeks. It was the happiest day of my entire life. The day I had been waiting for since I was 15 was two weeks away

The day came and I didn’t want to even say bye to my parents! I was too excited and against there negativity. I was ready to prove myself, and become a United States Marine. The first and only girl in my city and surrounding city’s, to earn the title in YEARS. I was full of pride and determination. As I got to bootcamp, I was flourishing. I got many letters from my boyfriend of his homesickness. But I never struggled like he did. I pushed myself like I never thought possible. I learned honor, courage, and commitment. I had a home and I was living my dream. As much as hell Parris island was and how awful bootcamp was, everyday I woke up and thought “ I cannot believe I am here, I am doing this. I am so lucky” until my last hike before the crucible (where you become a Marine) I was in week 8, on the rifle range when I shattered my lower pelvic bone.

The thing I built most in bootcamp was my faith in god. I prayed every night. Every obstacle that came I prayed and he answered. ** back story my papa, died when I was young and we were very close. I was put in papa company and I believed it was gods doing putting me there along with leaving so shortly after my boyfriend **

I was crushed. All my dreams fell out of my hands and I lost my faith, hope, I lost who I stood for as a person. I was told I would go home with very small chance of returning to training. I have NEVER struggled with depression or anxiety. Until I got dropped and separated from my sisters. I honestly did not have the will to live anymore.

I cried myself to sleep every night, if I could sleep. I was in constant pain, as the pain was a constant reminder I failed. I saw myself as a failure. It was my paradime shift. My entire life, everything I ever wanted was taken away from me.

I needed help. I did not know how to handle or cope with my depression, and I couldn’t leave the island until I healed enough to walk. So they sent me to get help with made me feel weaker then ever. It did not help. It did not help my depressions or anxiety.

I had to watch from a medical window my sisters walk around with there families on family day. As Marines. And I wasn’t one of them. I was being sent home.

Fast forward. I was sent home weeks after I was supposed to graduate. Months went by and I ended up marrying my marine. He’s the only thing I can find happiness in anymore. I constantly think about bootcamp. I long to go back. I long to be a Marine. I cry myself to sleep. (My husband is currently in a different state until I can move in two weeks) my mind, my heart is still on that island. I can’t wear converse, because it reminds me of my combat boots.

My hip recently relapsed. Got hurt even more and sent me worse. Every twinge of pain I feel it reminds me of my failure. I cannot run, wear heels, bend over, lift anything over 15 pounds. When my life revolved around working out and running as a stress reliever.

I need help.