What the hell happened last night?

I’ve started dating a guy who I’m really into. He’s very strong due to his job, and he’s from a culture that is kind of known for suppressing women. I don’t want to share too many details to protect both his and my privacy, but I think these are important details I should preface this with.

We’ve been together on four different nights now. He’s very dominant, which I actually like a lot because I identify as a submissive. Part of our sexual relationship is being very rough, which is completely consensual on both our parts.

He has asked me for anal every time we have been together, but I told him that’s something I’m not comfortable with, at least not yet. Ideally I would like to wait and slowly ease our way into that because it’s something I haven’t done before, and also because he is very well endowed and regular sex has already taken some getting used to.

Last night he picked me up from a bar I was at with some friends. He doesn’t drink, and he didn’t like that I was intoxicated. I think maybe he found me a little annoying, to be honest, which sucks. I also think he was a little jealous. He’s kind of possessive, but I like that to a certain extent.

Anywho, we get back to his house and he’s being so lovey-dovey and sweet. He’s holding me, telling me how beautiful I am, all kinds of things. One thing eventually leads to another and we’re in the bedroom. We have talked many times about how I’m not ready yet for anal sex. He starts (sorry if this is TMI) fingering my butt with one finger, and then added eventually 3, which I could barely take. Luckily I was very tipsy so it didn’t hurt as much as it might have. To be honest, with him inside me at the same time it actually felt very good. Nonetheless, I still didn’t want him to actually enter my ass. He told me to turn over and that he was going to be very upset and turned off if I didn’t. I begged him not to because (as he knew) I wasn’t ready. He told me to shut up and that he wouldn’t do it, but then after a few minutes he did. I felt so violated. It hurt so badly, even through my buzz. I was screaming and almost in tears, and he told me to be quiet or his neighbors would call the cops. I tried pushing him off of me but he is very strong, so he held me down. I tend to be very vocal during regular sex and him holding me down is the norm, so I think he thought I was enjoying it. He told me to stop fighting him and tried to relax me. He told me to stop fighting him or he would be turned off and I told him I didn’t care. I was saying please no over and over through all of this, not to mention we had just been talking about how I wasn’t ready for anal on the couch 30 minutes prior, so I know I was clear.

He finally got off of me, and I was angry. I told him he was selfish and that I had specifically told him I didn’t want to do that yet. I told him he hurt me and he said it was all in my mind. He was even more angry than I. His argument was that because he had put 3 fingers in me beforehand that it couldn’t have hurt that badly because it wasn’t that different (it’s VERY different, his dick is huge). I tried to explain that because he’s never been on the receiving end he’s never experienced it and therefore couldn’t know how intense and painful the sensation is. He said that when I said I wasn’t ready, that in his mind that meant he’d have to wait like 6 months from now, or maybe we never would at all. He told me I wasn’t giving all of myself to him, and that I needed to let go and be free.

He told me that I was picking fights with him and interrupting him and that he had seen a new side of me he didn’t like. I tried to leave but he convinced me to stay the night. He told me that he was developing really strong feelings for me (said he thought it might even be love) and that he couldn’t stop thinking of me all the time. That he wanted me to be with him every day, every night. He apologized before we went to sleep and said it was all his fault. In the morning he said he was sorry again if he said anything that hurt me. He made me breakfast, got me a coffee at Starbucks, and drove me home.

I feel so exhausted and confused. I feel like I’ve been caught in a wind tunnel. Things can be amazing with him, but then I feel like he just takes everything out of me. A big part of a d/s relationship (dominant / submissive) is giving yourself entirely to your dom. But it is also about caring deeply for your partner and making sure you don’t break their boundaries. This relationship is so new, and I need to trust him completely before we start going this far. I feel like he put my well-being on the back burner in exchange for his pleasure. I don’t feel safe with someone like that, no matter how strong, sweet, smart or well-off they might be.

I’m sorry this is so long-winded. Thanks to those of you who read through all of this. I needed to vent, but I am also hoping some of you might be able to help me sort through this. I feel completely clouded, biased, and low. So, so low. Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate your reading this and for any advice you might have.