i’m just not sure what to do anymore. i never cared for the forever stuff, but i’ve always been true to my feelings at any given moment. and maybe that’s the problem, that it transpires this feeling of seriousness and even tho i know the guys i hang out with/date only for a little time, they always feel the urge to reject me. and now i’m left with this feeling that i’m not even worth getting to know, and i am done.

i have great relationships with guys, some of my best mates are guys. i’ve always adored boys in a sexual and non sexual way. i have no hatred towards them, i also can’t blame them, cause it always makes sense. but what the hell am i doing wrong? why do they so quickly decide i’m not worth their time?

my biggest fear has always been that one of these days, i’ll get so hurt that i won’t be able to open myself up for anyone. how can i prevent that from happening?

i feel so sad these days, and i try to be strong. focus on school and art and friends. but my best friend has left on exchange for half a year. and i feel as if he’s the only one i can actually really count on. he knows all my secrets and still loves me for me. we even had our first fight, i did something stupid and inconsiderate, and he forgave me and now we’re even closer.

i miss him. i feel so lonely now he’s gone. all my other friends are just lovely, but he was also my flat mate so we always hung out together. so it’s just a little sad to not have him near. especially now i’m feeling so damn worthless after finally daring to open myself up again and getting shut down so hard. then having to fave that guy every fucking day in school and not hating him, cause i care too fucking much to be angry and ruin a friendship by some feelings i might (not) have.