Sad/depression

I feel the constant urge that something bad happens to me like I don’t want to be alive anymore. Not considering suicide, cause I don’t have the balls to do it. But I just hope that God let me go now. I seriously hate how life does not stop punching me so much. Like I get it I’m a mess but I’m just defeated by now. I don’t find life a point like it’s just pure and simply suffering with no end wtf. What can I do? I ALWAYS want to cry and be alone