So i guess I should start at the beginning. I apologize is this is long.

In October 2017 my SO broke up with me (after my first day of midterms😒), immediately tried talking to me as a friend, and freaked out when I stopped returning his texts and calls, even texted my dad a few times. It didn’t feel healthy for me for him to act like my bf without the title/commitment on his part.

Jump to November, I was attending a college event for credit when I get a text from my dad, saying that my grandmother fell and she’s in the hospital. She hit her head and was hemorrhaging. She was transferred over to another hospital in a different city. Every day was touch and go. I took off school for the rest of the week to stay with her, and stayed the night whenever I was done for the weekend. Finals were coming up but I managed to get all of my assignments in on time. My professors were beyond helpful. This is the point where I thought my ex should’ve reached out as a friend. But he didn’t. I had talked to His mom and even his little sister, but heard nothing from him. I was scared and angry and I just could’ve used support. I had vented to his sister about it and she said he did care and whatever. Apparently I had gotten a message but it was weeks after the fact and at that moment I knew he couldn’t have provided any kind of support. My friend sent him a kind of sassy message to leave me alone.

December. my grandmother was not doing well at all and continued to have bad seizures because of the hemorrhage. She was intubated and weak. The doctors said she would be paralyzed and unable to recognize objects or people. A life she would’ve never wanted to have. So my family decided to take her off of life support. I held her hand as she took her last breath. I took my last final the day she died. I lived right next door to this sweet woman, she raised me and I love her so much. I took a break from social media for a while after. People had been very kind but I just needed to be with my family.

My ex had sent me another long message. He was mad about the message friend had sent him and accused me of telling g her to send it to him (I didn’t). He basically made it all about himself and the last couple of sentences about how he was sorry for my loss etc etc. and proceeded to tell me “just say the word and you’ll never hear from me again” just being selfish making it about him. I basically told him that I thought I wanted him to be there for me but he was too late, if he has issues with my friend he needed to address it with her because I’m already dealing with a lot, and that I had a funeral to go to the next day. I said when I feel ready I’ll reach out to him, and I don’t have any intention to Tbh.

January rolls around, I had a pretty shit New Years but whatever. It was like January 6th and my mom gets a call that my aunt is going to die. She had a rare cancer since 2015 and her body just couldn’t handle it anymore. My aunt was technically my uncles wife, but they had separated and he killed himself in 2011. But my mom kept in touch with her. It was so so sad to see her. Labored, slow breaths. Just knowing she was going to die at 48 and she’s the only child of her parents broke my heart. She died the night we visited her. I never want to be in a hospital again.

So finally, the icing on the cake. January 15th, my birthday. My family had been in town because we were supposed to have a memorial for my grandmother. My uncles wanted to take me to the city for day drinking and lunch and dinner. Thought it would be pretty fun. As soon as we get in the car to go they start changing all of the plans and being racist because it was also MLK Day. I was disappointed and called my dad just to kind of rant because I was stuck doing things I didn’t want to do on my birthday. My dad talks to my uncle and my uncle is visibly pissed, shoves the phone back to me and starts SCREAMING AND CURSING and saying “we’re taking her to lunch, dinner, does he want us to throw a FUCKING PARADE FOR HER?!” And I’m just sitting there having a massive panic attack while they ignore me. We get to lunch and I step out to try and calm down. They proceed to yell at me when I got back about how I’m in a dangerous area (I wasn’t) and Implying that I’ll get shot by angry black ppl because it’s MLK day. I was having the worst anxiety of my entire life!!! I was choking trying to breathe and shaking it was awful. And i couldn’t leave!!

So that’s been it so far. I am dead inside. I feel like I’ve been smashed in a million pieces and I don’t have a clue where to begin picking myself up. I feel like I’m over my breakup, but have I really even processed it with all this other shit that’s happened? Have I even processed any of this? I kind have no one right now and though I don’t want my ex, I wish I had someone to just hold me and listen to me. But I’m so emotionally drained that whenever someone wants to talk to me I wanna be alone haha.

Thank you for reading I know it was long. If you have any advice or nice songs to listen to I’d much appreciate it.