so i have found myself in a position where i am jealous. everytime i open my Facebook i see all these women who are getti g pregnant or about to have babies.

at the age of 16 i was told that i probably would never be able to carry a child due bei g raped as a child. the damage was just to tramatic tomy body i dont nessisarally know the turms he used. and also i have ovarian cists. i have been pregnant 4 times with only 1 successful birth.

my first miscarage was at 16 almost 17. i understand at that age i was far to young be having children (although i acknowledge that there are so damn good teen mothers in the world) i was just mentaly to young in my opinion. at 19 i found out i was pregnant again. this time around i knew the difficulties that were ahead of me. my pregnancy was hard. i not only found out that the fathwr o9f my child had given me chlamydia, they also found that it was causing problems with my unborn child. i went i to early labor 4 times. i ate healthy. before bed rest i walked daily to keep up with my exercise. i only ever drank water milk and home made orange juise. i straight up went crazy health lady for this pregnancy. with all odds aginst her my daughter was born. she wasnt breath her heart wasnt beating. my heart stopped. it took 2 nurses to hold me down. and then i finally heard her little cry. i have never in my whole life felt such fear such pain and then such joy. she was a miracle.

my 3rd pregnancy did not end so happily. i found out i was pregnant. so i started to do everything i could as i did before. health freak pregnant woman. walked. healthy dreaks healthy food. the whole shabang. about 2 months after we fou d out we fou d out we were having a baby boy. Randon was his name. i pictured him being tall this blond hair blue eyes and a smile the lit up the whole room. my heart was so happy. we were so excited. the doctors told me that he looked healthy and they expected thia pregnancy would go much better then mine before.... 2 weeks later i went to the bathroom thinking i was just having gas though maybe if i tried to have a bowl movement it would help with the pain... they juat got worst. there was blood all over. i screamed for my mother... holding my lifeless 23 week old... sobbing... my son.... 2/16/2015. my son was born. and my son was lost.

my forth miscarriage was not quite as difficult in the sense of i didnt even know i was pregnant. i was o ly maybe 5 weeks a long. the hardest part was knowing that yet again i couldn't keep a child...

i now have my beautiful daughter who is now 6 years old and is my gift for our heavenly father. an absolutely amazing future husband (talking about getting married in the next few months) and a beautiful step son who i love as though the blood that runs through our veins are shared.

my man and i have discussed having more children. he knows of my struggles and he understands if i dont want to try. my heart hurts because i know how much he wants so badly to have another child and i am not sure if i can give him that. it actually eats me up. evem though i know he will love me either way. i want so badly to be able to give him another child. and i find my self so jealous of women who are pregnant and have such an easy pregnancy. all i have ever truly wanted is to be a mother and a wife and knowing that my body just doesn't agree with my hurts so much more then i know how to explain. maybe i am just being pethetic. but i cant shake this...