Do I have an eating disorder?

I don’t why I question it, I’m 99.9% sure I do have one but I’m still in denial.

Well, let start from the beginning. Back in July of 2017 I weighed about 135 pounds I absolutely hated my weight. I felt terrible about my body, I always felt fat. During the summer of 2017 I would always weigh myself everyday. I always thought of the fact that I weighed more than my cousins (who are older than me), I wanted to change that.

First off it wasn’t a problem. I started to exercise at home. I was eating less but not by a large amount. I started losing weight actually quite fast even though I still ate perfectly fine. My goal was to get to 120 pounds. I believed that all of my insecurities would be solved. I thought that I would finally be confident in my body and be happy.

By October I was basically almost 120 pounds. That’s when all of the bad stuff began to happen. I felt better about my weight but my thoughts on my body didn’t really change. I then changed my goal to 110. I started to cut my portions and calories even more. I started to reject some of my favorite foods. Ice cream, burgers, pizza, all of the most common comfort foods you can think of. Instead I started to eat more healthy. Which you’d think would benefit me but I took it too far. When my family would order takeout or eat out somewhere, I would have no idea what to eat. I would look at the menu for so long. After I ordered something, the food would come. I ate it normally because I was hungry. After the meal I would feel so guilty about what I ate. Even to the point that it would show. My brother noticed and would make fun of my whining.

By December I hit 110 pounds. Still didn’t feel any change (except I obviously got skinnier). But I didn’t stop with the restrictive diet , I didn’t want to stop. I believed that the thinner I am, the better.

Then I started to count calories and exercise more frequently. I would go on Google and search up my BMI to see if I’m normal. I would download these fitness and health apps on my phone. For example MyFitnessPal. I would put in my information and it said that would have to eat up to 1,700 calories a day.

Now we are at present day, even though I know the right amount of calories I should eat in a day, it’s still hard. I eat so little now. If I’m tracking my food correctly onto the app, then I’m eating less than 1,000 everyday. Some days I eat 700 calories. Most of my jeans don’t even fit me anymore. In American Eagle jeans I was a size 8, now I’m a size 2. I’m literally always hungry. I would eat something and like an hour or two later I’m hungry again. But I ignore it. When I look in the mirror, I see the same body before I lost weight. Even though I’m fully aware I’m not. I know I’m a different size now. But I don’t see it. Until my cousin took this photo of me trying on clothes at a store.

I realized that I my arms and shoulders look very bony. That picture really opened my eyes. Before I didn’t see that in the mirror, I saw me when I was “fat” even though my doctor said I was normal. Now I’m getting scared because I missed my period by a couple of days. I was suppose to get it on February 25th but it’s March 3rd and it’s still hasn’t came yet. I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell my family, they will force me to eat. I just need someone’s support. Even if they are some random person from the internet. Anything helps really... I mean now I feel great about my body and my weight, but I’m no longer happy anymore. Food has just consumed my life. I think about food and what I’m going to eat next every second of everyday of my life so far. How do I fix this?