I miss him so much (not an ex)

I miss my older brother so much. He died of an overdose such a long time ago, but I still wake up crying most nights. I have so many regrets. What if I would’ve been a better sister? What if I would’ve known and been able to help? What made him so depressed he turned to drugs? How did I not notice my best friend was doing this to himself?

I still remember his voice, his smile and how he could make ANYONE laugh, no matter what mood you were in. When I’m having a bad day or arguing with my husband I just want to call him so I can laugh, but there’s this void that can’t be filled.

I blame myself.. if I would’ve noticed, if I would’ve been a better friend, he’d still be here.

I hate that my big brother wasn’t at my high school graduation or the birth of my first child.

I hate what his death did to me and my family. I hate that my husband and children will never meet him.

😔😔 I just wish I could’ve said goodbye. Or hugged him one more time. Or knew when I hung up the phone that last time that I’d never hear his voice again.

I’m writing this now because it’s time to sleep and I know the dream is coming where he just shows up at my mom’s house and I ask him where he’s been and why he left for so long. And then wake up in tears because it’s not real.

I hate that I have this dream over and over but I don’t want it to stop because it’s the only time I’ll ever see my best friend’s face again.