I don’t know what to call it..

So I don’t really know what I’m doing talking about this or if it’s even worth it now. It’s been a few months and up until now I haven’t really thought much about it but lately I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

When I was 16 I had my first boyfriend(he was my first kiss too) and right off the bat I knew he was too sexual for me. Our first kiss he was grabbing and squeezing my butt. He knew I had never had a boyfriend before and that I wasn’t ready for anything too intimate. Around three weeks later is when I started giving him head, the first time I said I didn’t want to but he kept insisting so I finally gave in. It was the only thing I would do. Sometimes he would try to put his hand down my pants to rub me but I would tell him no and try to pull his hand away and sometimes he would stop but sometimes he wouldn’t and he was stronger so I would just sit there and he would finally stop. A couple months into us dating he kept asking me to have sex with him but I always said no and he would say things like “It would make us stronger emotionally and then we would be closer” but I still wouldn’t so he broke up with me.

A few months later I was 17 and we no longer went to the same school but I was still friends with him on social media. Somehow I stupidly forgot how he used to treat me and when he messaged me out of the blue we stared talking again. I started seeing him again and after a couple times I had ended up back where we left off except this time he had talked me into possibly having sex the next time we saw each other. He told me he’s the type of guy who thinks about the future and that he wanted us to have sex so that we could have a stronger bond... blah blah blah I had heard it before. But I told him maybe but that I would have to see because I was still scared and did not feel ready. When that next time came he found a parking lot and me hoping we would only do the usual, I got in the backseat with him. (I always had a hard time saying no to him but when it came to sex it was never a problem, it was too important to me and I don’t want just any guy seeing down there) As we were making out he wanted me to take my shirt off which did and then my bra which again I did, but when it came time for my leggings I just couldn’t(I had never let him see down there) but he told me if i didn’t he would just rip them so I did and then the same with my underwear. He tried to go down on me but I kept telling him no and when he would start to put his head down there I kept pushing at his face and telling him I didn’t want to. Finally he just said it’s either this or sex but that we would only ‘try it for a little bit’ and because for some reason him going down on me felt more violating than sex I told him sex. So when he was about to put it in me I told him not without a condom but he said he wasn’t going to waste one if I wasn’t going to go through with it all the way and then he just put it in so I told him I would go through it because I was too scared of what could happen if he didn’t use one. So he put one on and the rest of the time I just laid there until he was done. It was a terrible experience and after that he didn’t talk to me for weeks.

I’m sorry this was so long especially because I know there are way worse situations happening to other women but I just needed to say it in a place where I know there are women who get what I am feeling, I feel like I can tell the parts that I can’t say out loud because I know you have all been through something similar or worse. The event its self isn’t the worst part it’s what he took from me, something that I should’ve had until I was ready to give it away.