I think I am out again and I am gutted

Everything points to AF coming (and a week early again apparently 😡). I have a lot, if not all typical AF symptoms. I was dry for two days, then last night I had some white discharge and this morning the discharge is clear but scant. I also have cramps, lower back pain and my breasts are no longer sore.

I don't know how to move on anymore. I just want to stay home and hide under a rock until she undoubtedly shows. 14 months TTC and not once have we gotten even close. Meanwhile everyone around me who is pregnant or just had baby took less than 6 months to conceive. It's just not fair that my body refuses to do what it's supposed to do, even despite the extra help its getting from my OB.

I seriously feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown over this, and my therapist is traveling today, so I still gotta wait until tomorrow to see her. My issue now is, that anything can happen between now and then and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. What did I do to deserve this heartache? 😭😢