Is my fear of food normal?

Let me start this by saying that my fear of food is completely irrational. I know it is. I’m 5’4 and never weighed more than 120lbs in my life. But for the past few months, my self-esteem has completely dropped. When I look in the mirror, I see fat. I’ve developed a fear of calories. Usually, I don’t eat more than 800 calories in a day, and I still feel fat when I do that. When I finally am having a good day, I’ll stop checking calories and eat whatever, but then I give myself hell for it for the next week. I haven’t lost a significant amount of weight (I’m around 115 now), but I’m scared this is going to turn into a bigger problem.

Here’s what scares me the most. High amounts of calories gives me anxiety, and anxiety causes me to throw up (not on purpose). Just today, I hadn’t eaten anything yet (it’s 7:30pm) and I decided to eat a chocolate muffin. I know that it’s unhealthy, but I thought I deserved it because I’d been depriving myself of food. I got less than halfway through the muffin before I checked the calories. 490. This caused my anxiety to skyrocket, which made me throw up.

I KNOW I need to eat. I know food is important. But I can’t get over my fear of calories.

Has anybody been through anything similar?