Has anyone ever left you bc of your mental state?

I’m 16 and I was with my last (and first) boyfriend since we were 14. I’ve kinda thought that I might be depressed since I was about 12. I get really low for no real reason, I’m tired a lot, but sometimes I can’t sleep despite that, I can’t motivate myself to do anything, I don’t try as hard in school, i get really irritable, I feel like everyone hates me, I kind of hate me, and I isolate myself all the time. I kept telling myself that it was all bc of puberty, but then things started to get much worse. I started wanting to stop existing, and last September I finally gave in to my urges and started scratching myself with a pair of nail scissors. But I never told my boyfriend about any of this.

He knew something wasn’t right, and he got scared about it at one point so I asked what he was scared it could be and he said about three different things, one of which was ‘what if you’re suicidal’. I was so scared that I’d upset him if I told him, or that he might start worrying more about me or even stop liking me altogether, so I told him everything was fine and kept hiding it.

But things were really bad for me just before last Christmas, and for the last week of term I was really really depressed. I got too defensive when he tried to find out what was wrong - I think I gave him an angry look - and he ended up questioning everything. He said that the way I acted made him feel worthless, and that loving me was hard, which hurt a lot. I told him that sometimes I’m sad for no reason, and he said he could understand that. And I thought we were fine, until a few weeks later when he said that he wasn’t sure he still wanted to be with me.

Basically I lost someone I love and it’s all my fault because I should’ve been better at hiding it, or told him about it from the start. And since it happened everything has hurt so much more. And I can’t shake the feeling that if he knew about everything that’s been going on maybe things could work out, but I also think that’s kinda stupid. I really want to talk to him about it, but he’s completely shut me out, he won’t even look at me.

Anyway I’m sorry for rambling, but I was just wondering has anyone else on here has ever lost a s/o or a close friend bc of anything like this?