I fucking hate you.

I love you.

I remember messaging you the first time ever because I would see you around the halls, I found you very attractive. I remember how quick it was to get along. I remember how quickly I could claim you were my best friend. But there was that period in time where we kind of stopped talking, at the time, I didn’t mind much. I just thought it was unfortunate we had drifted, but oh well. I started talking to someone else. You know who I’m talking about. Me and this guy were hitting it off, but we started talking again. Remember how we made a study date? We didn’t even end up studying because of how much we were just talking... I told you about this new guy. But our old feelings were quick to reform. I liked you both. Fucked up, I know. You know. Anyway, remember how I told you everything? I never kept anything hidden from you. I told you about him and all. Even though we had been hanging out more, I still ended up “choosing him”. I know you must’ve hated me in the moment for that. Did I break your heart? You were never good at showing your feelings, but I was hoping you’d accept it. We stayed close friends though, remember? I was still telling you everything. Then we had class together and sat beside each other, we both didn’t learn anything because of it. Me and him still weren’t official when you started dating that girl. Though I “chose” this guy, I never lost feelings for you. I got jealous, but of course I wouldn’t act upon it or show any signs. What right did I have to? I was happy for you nonetheless until you told me you guys fought a lot. I knew I’d be treating you better. But then the guy I was talking to basically fucked and dipped on me, remember? I told you that. I was telling you all the time in class how angry I was at him too. Even though I was used, I didn’t care much. Because you managed to still bring me happiness. You still made me feel joy. I’m pretty sure you said “fuck that guy” too to lift my spirits. Thank you for being there for me. Do you remember when you and your girlfriend broke up and how it was such a big deal? She was crazy. Hell, she still is, and this was only less than half a year ago. I had told you before you guys broke up that I still had feelings for you. And i know that wasn’t what ended the relationship, not only because you told me so, but simply because I know you’ve been telling me you guys were fighting a lot in general. Remember how quick we were to start hitting it off again? It was like the feelings from the summer had never left, even though you and her had just ended two weeks ago. I was happier to think you were a possibility to become mine. I regretted the day I ever chose that asshole instead of you. I’m stupid. I know.

But now? Now I regret the day I ever initially messaged you. I regret looking at you in the hallway. I regret every FUCKING THING about you. How could you tell me you wanted to be with me when you didn’t? Is this because I chose him in September over you? It wasn’t because he was better than you and I fucking told you that! I just thought he would be more compatible in the long run. How you could you treat me and have me treat you like a girlfriend/ boyfriend and at the end, leave me like you never fucking knew me? How could you semi-drunkenly tell me you LOVE ME BUT NOT LOVE ME? How did you manage to hurt me to the point that I’ve attempted suicide? But you don’t know that. You don’t know the times I’ve brought a bikini into the bathroom with a blade in my hand ready to determine my fate. You don’t know the time on a Wednesday that I took pills with alcohol. You don’t know that my friend was scared for my life when I texted her in this state. You don’t know how much I’ve not wanted to be alive all because of you. You were my happiness. Why was it so easy for you to switch up on me? What did I do? What is wrong with me? Why wasn’t I good enough? What could’ve I done to make you stay? I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I love you. I miss you. I want you. But now you’ll never know any of the last points I made because when I texted you a few days ago in attempts to simply become fucking friends again, you acted as if I was nothing to you. I don’t know why. I think your friends changed you. Or maybe you’re just like this. I don’t know. I said to you “to think I ever thought I loved you”... but that was a lie, because I didn’t think so, I knew so. I was always just a friends with benefits to you though. AND I DONT FUCKING GET IT BECAUSE I TREATED YOU BETTER THAN YOUR EX EVER DID! You dated her. But you wouldn’t date me. People tell me I’m better than her and you’re an idiot but clearly not. Clearly she was somehow better. She got the privilege of being your girlfriend. I never got that opportunity. Before i blocked you off everything, I told you I hated you. I do hate you. But I love you too. I can’t say I’m doing better now with you gone, for those last points of those texts were only a few days ago, but I hope to work on it. I wanna be happy again. I wanna feel like im good enough again. I wanna stop hooking up with guys I don’t even like in attempts to feel something again; to feel wanted, to feel pretty, to feel like enough. I want to remember that I was okay before I ever met you.

But I still wish you the best. And if you need me, you know I’ll be here. I’d always run back to you. You know you can stab me with the knife I will hand to you, knowing I’ll still love you no less. I hope you get everything you want out of life. I hope you come to realize on your own just how much I cared for you. But you’ll most likely never hear from me again. I’ve made myself look pathetic one too many times to try to contact you anymore. Plus, you know I’ve blocked you off everything. Or maybe you don’t know. Maybe you didn’t bother to check. You probably haven’t. You probably don’t even realize.

Anyways. I’ll be okay. Maybe not soon, but eventually.

I’ll always love you.

- Jess