I dont know how to feel, but I know it hurts like fuckin hell

umm ok so I've been goin through some things for the past couple of weeks. my baby has been away from me, and she will be for the next week and a half. I'm hurting and the story behind it makes me hurt worse.

I broke up with my bf of 4-5 years and we were up visiting his family. He had expressed that his sister wanted to spend time with her suddenly to me close to the time we were supposed to leave...I was shocked but agreed because our daughter doesnt really know who she or their mom is, shes two, so it's only fair. We left and I was already sad, but was looking for a loop hole for this sadness because ya know...I'm gunna be states away from my baby. so we get home, we get into an argument because he tries to get back with me through a proposal. He starts asking personal questions about what I'm gunna be doing and starts to anger himself. I am already scarred so bad from the emotional, physical, mental. and verbal abuse throughout that relationship that for the past year, i was just angry. He brought out the worst in me, and treated me more like a child than an actual partner. I guess its because I was 15-16 and he was 21 when we met...through xbox. When he met me, I was broken; a broken soul from a broken, sexually, physically, mentally, and verbally abusive, twisted, neglected, shadowed home, I wasn't sure what the fuck happiness was. Never had a bf or any guy like me in school, never had a valentine, a date to the dance, a bf or nothin ALL THROUGH SCHOOL. we talkin elementary-high dude. but I met him in high. So that little bit of attention he gave me, made me feel "loved". and then I shut off every opprotunity after that. didnt even get that much attention from my mom dude. shit was sad. Anyway yeah.

Moving on, He was angry with me. He packed his stuff, left, and sold one of my items for money. He bought and expensive item for me and we had agreed to sell it because we both needed money (He was trying to distract me from his other expensive car part purchases, he admitted this to me) but we were both supposed to use the money. This was before the breakup. When he packed his things and left I noticed it was gone. I called, asked him did he and he said yes. Told me he gave the money to his mom because he borrowed so much money from her, called her, he lied. he pocketed all of it. spent it on God knows what. left me with not a lick of cents, he didnt care. He laughed in my face. to make matters worse I bought an expensive ass car door motor he was supposed to give back to me because turns out he didnt need it. Never did that either.

That's only a PORTION of wtf he did but moving on. So I get home, I go to a sandbox buddy's house and fucked em. I was going through shit and we trust each other. Idc about who ever df judges me because like I said earlier, that's only a PORTION of what hes done; him and his family. I was faithful all 4 years, duck off.

Anyway, before he packed and left, he told me him and my mom talked about going to get our baby girl. I was happy. so I call while I'm at my buddies house, but I respectfully go outside and speak to him...or I tried. He extended the whole trip out there for her to 3 weeks to a month. my heart was broken. he was mad, cursing at me, calling me and all the women in my family names, just going df off. And I'm still trying to talk to him. my family loves our baby girl. shes the light of all our days. we are a big household full of 8, and they love the fucking shit out of her. so they're texting and asking when shes coming back. hes mad about that. he claims he feels like were rushing the visit and threatened to file for full custody of we dont "leave him and his family the fuck alone". keep in mind at this point, she's already been gone for a week. they missed her....completely. the whole house. I didnt even wanna leave my friends house because my daughters shit is in my room at home. I didnt wanna deal with that dark ass empty aura everyone was giving off. they appeared happy but they just kept saying "we miss her". I'm hurt so damn bad by this shit it's hard for me to facetime my damn daughter, because I know I'll cry, and she doesnt even seem the same without me. she misses me too. I hear and see it. I feel it, I feel her. when that missing feeling hits strong I KNOW it hits ber too. shes never been away from me this long. the longest was a week, and even then she was with her auntie who facetimed me often and she was with familiar faces.

yall I just......look. I'm the type to try to avoid blows. like hes threatened to take her from me, twice already, not even counting the one time he did, after he picked me up and slammed me on the floor, right in front of our baby girl. he was trying to take her and leave that day too. I thought I felt my heart stop. weird. but yeah....I dont know what to do with any of this sadness. I've been trying shit but ....wtf am I supposed to feel?

theres two sides to every story. I'm not referring to our history as a reason to feel sad. but all that shit that happened after the breakup and you know what I did? Not a damn thing...