i’m 19, pregnant, my boyfriend doesn’t want it and i work a low wage job

so.....i’m 10 weeks pregnant today.

the original plan was for me to get an abortion. my boyfriend does not want the baby. i have recently come to the conclusion that i cannot abort it. i first realized this at 7 weeks, when i woke up and thought i miscarried and surprised myself by crying because i was so sad it wasn’t there anymore. i did not miscarry, and i have been crying pretty much every other night after my boyfriend falls asleep because i can’t go through with this. i am pro choice but i can’t myself do this. I am attached now, and I often find myself feeling my tummy (it’s just bloat right now, but it’s in there, yknow?)

i checked up on where the pregnancy was online and when it said it was a fetus and not an embryo the other day i kind of lost my shit. had a crying episode in my car on my lunch break.

i make $12/hr. I would like in the near future to go to esthetician school.

I have basically no support system, since I’m probably breaking up with my boyfriend over this. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 14, and my mom is so mentally unstable and abusive that I cant possibly let myself around her or a baby. Currently our rent is 900/month and my boyfriend and i split it 50/50. Some months food is a struggle for us, but if end up breaking up with him and get a roommate I think I might be alright, since some of the issue is that he spends sooooo much money on alcohol, including from my paychecks because he runs out of his a lot.

I’m honestly so afraid though. I fear that the money I make isn’t enough and I will fail and have to put the baby up for adoption or something for his or her own good. In my mind I am willing to be a stripper for this baby, if it comes down to it. But what if I can’t even make enough money stripping for it? Then what? I am so afraid 😞

i’m sorry this is all over the place, i’m crying because my boyfriend is going to be so mad at me soon when i tell him i’m not aborting it