Rape sucks... **rape trigger warning**

So I’m 21 and married to the most amazing man. We have a pretty good life together and we’re trying to have kids... but sometimes I have these attacks... I haven’t had an attack for a good year now and today it just happened... it sucks... and I just need to talk to someone.. but no one I know understands. I know I’m not alone and I have recovered for the most part but I just... certain things trigger it and today I was triggered... I need to get it off my chest but I don’t want to anger/upset my husband... so I figure why not go on this... so here it goes...

it was my 18th birthday... I was dating a popular football player for eh 4months at the time. For my birthday I requested to dress up nicely, eat at a nice restaurant, and go to the lake. So we did, we dressed up. I wore a beautiful black dress and had my hair done. We ate dinner and I said “to the lake!” But he didn’t take me to the lake.... instead he drove me to a dark parking lot in the middle of a woody area. No civilization around. Phone service was out because of the area. I was confused and immediately felt uncomfortable. I requested to go home but he said no. So I tried to get out, he locked the doors. I grabbed my phone, and he snatched it out of my hands... he got on top of me, unzipped his pants and pulled my underwear off me. I kicked him and punched him saying no.. but he wouldn’t have it.... Mind you he’s a 300lb 6’3” football player and I’m a 100lb 5’1” tiny girl.. I kept saying no but he forced himself in. Eventually I knew it wouldn’t do good to fight back so I gave in. He took me home and I immediately self harmed after. I felt so numb... I felt like my body wasn’t even mine ya know? I left him soon after... and in retaliation he pinned it on me. Saying I raped him and that I was a psychopathic birch that’s obsessed with him. I started to believe it tbh... but now.... now I just wish I never dated him...

I can still feel his body against mine. His breath on my skin. I can feel how his weight crushed me and how numb my body was. I can still feel the helplessness and the cries for help but nothing would make it stop. Every time I see him (he goes to my college) I remember what he did to me. I remember his hungry lustful eyes and his cold words. For the longest time I couldn’t have sex with my husband because I would immediately have a ptsd flashback. I still have nightmares about it... and what sucks is that yeah I did receive help but that never did me justice. I did report him but the cops didn’t do a damn thing. They let it slide because he’s the fire chiefs son... I just want it to end. I want these flashbacks to stop... I feel like I’m not me. Like my body isn’t mine... I feel like a puppet because of it. For the most part I’m better and I’ve been recovered for over a year now... but just cuz you’ve received help and know what to do, doesn’t mean it goes away. It will never go away.. but I guess it helps me grow stronger. Today has been a rough day with ptsd, but my husband understands, maybe not how I want him to, but he’s there for me...